Yeah, This Seems About Right

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Unless they’re domineering control freaks or would rather be raped by werewolves than be alone for five minutes, no self-respecting woman would date a guy with no job, so you’ll be shocked (not really) to know that Eric Johnson doesn’t have a job and just dropped out of Wharton Business School. And he just got divorced. Jessica Simpson is worth more than Haiti, but she has the mental capacity of a decapitated squirrel and has the self-esteem of a burn victim with a speech impediment. I’m not going to say this dude is unapologetic in the fact that he’s blatantly using Jessica, and although that’s not true, but if she wants to get married, she might want to find a guy whose tax forms don’t say “motorboating Jessica Simpson’s boobs” under occupation.

TLC would not approve of this: