Katy Perry’s Parents Were Lunatics

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Katy Perry used to be Katy Hudson until she realized she had huge tits and that there wasn’t any money to be made in singing songs about Jesus. In the new issue of Rolling Stone, Perry talks about her parents and her strict religious upbringing. An upbringing that obviously completely and totally backfired in every possible way. Marquee Blog reports:

The California girl, who has “Jesus” tattooed on her left wrist, tells the magazine, “Speaking in tongues is as normal to me as ‘Pass the salt..’ It’s a secret, direct prayer language to God.” Perry, 25, adds that her dad usually speaks in tongues while her mom plays interpreter. “That’s their gift,” she explains. Speaking of gifts, Perry reportedly bought fiance Russell Brand a $200,000 ticket to outer space aboard the Virgin Galactic for his 35th birthday. But if Perry feels lucky to have found love with the British comic, she’ll never admit it. In the Perry household, she explains, “I wasn’t able to say I was lucky because my mother would rather us say that we were blessed, and she also didn’t like that lucky sounded like Lucifer.” In fact, the quirky brunette reveals, “I wasn’t allowed to eat Lucky Charms, but I think that was the sugar. I think my mom lied to me about that one.”

I’m sorry, but if somebody speaks in tongues around me, they’re getting shot in the head. Or I’ll scream like a little girl and run away. Either or. But mostly the running away thing. But more to the point, beating your kids with a Bible is the best way to make sure they turn into fake bisexual attention whores who let music executives titty fuck them for a career. I’m just upset that Christian parents are pussies. I’d actually buy a Katy Perry CD if her parents‘ last name was Abdullah.