Lindsay Won’t Leave Jail Without New Hair

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Lindsay has learned a valuable lesson in humility and how to live your life with quiet dignity while in jail, so to prove she has changed “several top stylists and hair and makeup people that Lindsay loves in Los Angeles have been put on hold from midnight on Thursday through the entire weekend”. And of course, all the gays are in a tizzy to make Lindsay’s 30 second walk out of jail into her own personal runway. Popeater reports:

“I am sure Lindsay will be sick of orange and jumpsuits and I definitely think ankle bracelets are out,” Phillip Bloch, celebrity stylist and author of ‘The Shopping Diet,’ tells me. “Knowing Lindsay I expect her to emerge in some skin tight jeans and some uber-trendy layered top. If I had the opportunity to dress her (Philip dressed Halle Berry when she accepted her Oscar) when she exits jail I would put her in a soft and flowy sundress a la Natalie Wood. It wouldn’t be bad to soften up her image at this point.”

However, Lindsay and gays must realize that most jails don’t have Vidal Sassoon displays or a staff who are willing to bow to her every delusional whim.

“There is a small, dirty public bathroom in the reception area that she will be allowed to use briefly before she leaves,” an insider very familiar with Century Regional Correctional Facility tells me. “She will not be allowed to plug in a hairdryer and get a blow out and she can forget about using a flattening iron. There will be no full-length mirror and only if the corrections officers decide to be nice will they close the area to the public. Remember everyone who works at that jail hates the press. They don’t want to be bothered with all this nonsense and want to rid themselves of Lindsay as quickly as possible.”

Lindsay is also reportedly throwing a tantrum because she has to immediately report to rehab upon her release. Well, then. You know who won’t be upset upon their release? My vampire cyborg pumas that have been recalibrated to only hunt semen-filled gingers high on prescription meds. Their hearts soulless, their hunger insatiable. They will return to me with no knowledge of who they are…or what they have done.