Selena Gomez Is Stephen Hawking

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Uncomfortably attractive Selena Gomez went on George Lopez’s show last night where it was revealed that she had recently lost her voice. Then why agree to a talk show you ask? Well, because she programmed her answers into this computer thing that made her sound like a Title IX HAL 9000. So to recap, a hot, skinny 18-year old who can’t talk. The only way she could be more perfect is if her vagina came with programmed shiatsu massage settings. *spins around in chair while tapping index fingers together* Anybody know the number to the patent office? Why? Oh, no reason.