Dina Lohan Explains It All

In an exclusive interview with ET, Dina Lohan sat down and showed the world why Lindsay is a thankless, self-centered, narcissistic, drug-addict who, with her cocaine-fueled paranoid mind and asteroid-sized sense of entitlement, blames everyone but herself for slapping away every hand that has ever been extended to her. Enjoy!

Because private LA jail cells are like Turkish prisons: “You know, she’s strong, but until someone faces something as devastating as that…we’re going to have to see. God willing it won’t happen.” It’s happening, bitch. Deal.

Because sentences handed down by judges are like clothes you can exchange: “She’s a fighter, and until the final result — we’re not giving up. I think it’s time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control.” Give up.

Because Lindsay is Rosa Parks: “If she [Judge Revel] wants a trial, then make it a fair trial. I feel like Shawn [Chapman Holley], Lindsay’s [former] attorney should have stood up and said, ‘Listen, I didn’t know you were going to have witnesses.’ We would have had ten witnesses. We didn’t get a shot. We didn’t get a shot at fairness. This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be.” You’re right, OJ got away with it.

Because Lindsay is a helpless victim of a fascist society: “It’s very difficult, we’re not sleeping well, we’re not functioning. We cry a lot and we hug a lot. She’s petrified, we all are. We’re angry. We’re disappointed in the system.” Go see your dentist, he might be able to help.

Because complete and utter denial isn’t finished yet : “She did a really stupid thing. Thank God she didn’t hurt anyone….I know my daughter is clean and sober today. I know that for a fact. I’m not a doctor…and I’m not an attorney. I’m a mother. And I’m sitting here, as a mother, just worried about my child.” I guess Dilaudid, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone, Nexium, and cocaine are some sort of multi-vitamins.

I’m not even halfway joking when I say that it is my sincere wish that Dina Lohan be dropped from a plane onto a island prison colony filled with cannibal zombies. No walls. No guards. No escape.