Shut Up

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With a God complex only matched by the size of her freakishly large nose, Lady Gaga sat down with Rolling Stone to spin tales of delusion and confusingly high self-worth. People reports:

“When I wake up in the morning, I feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl,” Lady Gaga tells the July issue of Rolling Stone magazine. “Then I say, ‘Bitch, you’re Lady Gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.’ “ In fact, the pop star – born Stefani Germanotta – sees no circumstance serious enough that would require her to shed her larger-than-life persona. “If I were to ever, God forbid, get hurt onstage and my fans were screaming outside of the hospital, waiting for me to come out, I’d come out as Gaga,” she says. For inspiration, she looks to another pop icon: Michael Jackson, who never forgot he was a star, even when he was badly injured when his hair caught fire. “Michael got burned, and he lifted that glittered glove so damn high so his fans could see him, because he was in the art of show business,” she says. “That’s what we do. I don’t even drink water onstage in front of anybody, because I want them to focus on the fantasy of the music.”

Man, that sounds really deep. Maybe I should tie her to a stake and set her on fire so we can see more of her art. Then we can shoot her. Then stake her in the heart. Then bury her face down. Or something. I checked online, and their doesn’t seem to be a protocol for effectively killing hermaphrodites. Maybe I can pistol whip her and tie her to a fence. It seemed to work on that one dude.

Note: Matthew Shepard doesn’t care what I say about him. He’s dead. Just wanted to clear that up.