Jonah Hex Is Awful, 72 Minutes Long

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Megan Fox left the Transformers franchise, because Michael Bay allegedly was a pain in the ass who just wanted her to be the tits and ass in a robot movie, so now she’s promoting Jonah Hex, a movie in which she’s the tits and ass in a comic book western. The first reviews are in, and the critics are singular in their praise! Movieline reports:

At least the reviews aren’t as bad as Marmaduke? Well, not yet anyway. The early critical notices for Jonah Hex are in, and they’re… awful. Only 12 critics have weighed in on Rotten Tomatoes thus far and with the exception of Roger Ebert — seriously, Roger? — the consensus is that the DC comic adaptation is the latest worst movie of the summer. However if there is one thing unifying all the bad reviews — beyond the general hatred — it’s in commenting on just how quickly Jonah Hex is over . Warner Bros. representatives haven’t yet responded to Movieline’s request for running-time confirmation* but in his pan for the AP, David Germain writes: “Take away the eight minutes of end-credits, a lengthy prologue sequence built around comic-book panels and some repetitive flashbacks of action we’ve already seen, and there’s barely an hour’s worth of actual movie in Jonah Hex. And that’s using the term “actual movie” generously.” OK, first: Good burn. But wait — “barely an hour’s worth” of movie. What is this, a direct-to-DVD Olsen Twins movie? Apparently. According to Huffington Post contributor Scott Mendelson, Jonah Hex runs 73 minutes without credits. Steve Persall in the St. Petersburg Times agrees with Mendelson’s time keeping, offering that “it may take longer driving to and from the theater than watching the movie.”

That said, Metromix’s Matt Pais disagrees, writing that Jonah Hex is actually one minute shorter, clocking in at just 72 minutes.

I’m not sure this could get any worse, but it does. Megan Fox reportedly has only ten minutes of screen time. A Crime Stoppers photo of a rapist gets more screen time on the news than this. She better hope David Silver wins the lottery or takes over the Peach Pit soon, because I get the feeling her next movie might be Monah Sex. I’m not even sure if that was a jokeor not, but whatever, I’m out of coffee. Am I just some monkey here to make you laugh?! Huh, is that it?!