Blame Scarlett Johannson

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Even though Esquire photoshopped her with voodoo and Mayan magic to make Christina Hendricks fit on the May cover, Lane Bryant shoppers everywhere partied in the streets because a “real woman” was finally recognized for her beauty. Too bad she wasn’t the first choice. New York Daily News reports:

Ferrari-curved actress Scarlett Johannson was Esquire magazine’s first pick to grace the cover of its May “Women We Love” issue. But now it sounds like the magazine’s editors don’t love her so much anymore. At a recent magazine conference in Toronto, Esquire editor in chief David Granger was fielding a question from the audience when he let slip that the choice, redheaded temptress Christina Hendricks of “Mad Men” fame, was not the first pick for the cover of “Women We Love.” That honor went to Johansson, Granger admitted, before adding: “Scarlett completely screwed us.”

I really wish somebody would tell me what a “real woman” looks like. If a chick doesn’t have sleep apnea and Oreos in the freezer she’s not a real woman? You mean to tell me Marisa Miller is a cyborg with no human emotions, incapable of love, remorse, pity, or fear? If I buried Miranda Kerr in my backyard, dogs won’t be able to smell her? Interesting. And here I was afraid that I’d have to dig a lot deeper. Thanks, real women!