Lindsay Thinks This Will Work

[Gallery not found]

Today is Tuesday. In two days, Lindsay must appear in court in Los Angeles and complete 13 alcohol education classes or she will be arrested and thrown in jail. She has completed 10. Oh, now she’s saying she won’t be able to make it back in time because of the volcanic ash cloud. TMZ reports:

Lindsay is in Cannes to promote her upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. She must appear in court Thursday for her probation progress report hearing — she’s required to show because she has only completed 10 of the 13 required alcohol ed classes (she snuck in a class last Friday). But sources say she can’t get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it’s impossible to get a seat. Here’s the thing — as we first reported, if Lindsay doesn’t show, the judge will issue a bench warrant for her arrest.

Jesus, can’t we just go ahead and decapitate this skank? She’s in France already, so just have her wave a piece of cake out the window. I realize it’s not as liberal and free thinking as the “Paris of the Middle East” as the saying goes, but something needs to be done. This idiot flew to France two days ago, but now she expects a judge to believe that she can’t leave because Europe is under quarantine because of clouds. Or dinosaurs. Or werewolves. Or a grandfatherly dragon who reads bedtime stories to poor Hispanic kids by a giant oak tree. That or whatever other hallucination you might have when you mix delusion and a confusingly high sense of self-worth in your vodka, you drunk bitch.