Kim Kardashian’s First Husband Was Really Nice

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Wait, you mean to tell me that a black guy flew into a violent rage and hit a woman? Whatever. Next you’re gonna tell me that an Asian guy apologized after sex and a white guy built a hatch under a cornfield to get dates. Lies, my friend! Lies! The Sun reports:

KIM KARDASHIAN suffered brutal beatings at the hands of her ex-husband DAMON THOMAS, according to newly-published court documents. Kim eloped to Las Vegas, Nevada, and married music producer Damon in January 2000 when she was just 19. But the marriage was ill-fated, ending three years later after Kim was allegedly held prisoner. America’s Star magazine have now obtained the 2003 court documents in which Kim claims Damon would punch her in the face, slam her against walls and throw her across the room. They also purport that Damon demanded to know where she was at every minute of the day. His alleged bullying was so terrible that he gave her $3,650 to get liposuction because he wanted her to be ‘perfect’. Describing one particularly bad incident before a meeting with her pal JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, she wrote: “(We) were going skydiving with Justin Timberlake. “Before we left our home, Damon hit me in the face and cut my lip open. I fell into the bed frame and banged my knee hard. I was limping when we went skydiving.” Kim also claims Damon demanded to know her every move: “If Damon were not home, I was required to call him and ask permission to leave the house. He said that he wanted to know where I was at all times.” The abuse allegedly continued well into their marriage, but Kim refused to call in the police because she was scared of what Damon might do to her – and her fears were realised when she eventually plucked up the courage to walk out on him. During one encounter after their split, she says: “He threatened to kill me, my family members and the guys that I am dating.”

I really don’t understand how to work my new alarm clock, but more to the point, I really don’t understand violence against women. If she’s a bitch, leave her. If she cheats on you, leave her then go bang somebody else. It’s that simple. You don’t have to give her a concussion because she didn’t call you. You don’t have to chop off her head and throw her in a lake just because you think you married the wrong person. If the argument doesn’t end with me punching her cervix, I really don’t see the point of the relationship.