The Vanity Fair Oscar Party Was Okay

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You already know who won Oscars last night (Banner pic spoilers if you don’t, grandpa. Try to keep up), so you already know that Kathryn Bigelow ordered at 14-year old Russian runaway and a double-sided dildo to celebrate and James Cameron adopted an entire Haitian family so he could fly them to his private island to film The Hurt Really Fucking Bad Locker, so here’s some pics from the Vanity Fair after party. Seriously, what do you want from me? Actual reporting? C’mon, let’s not get carried away here.

I realize Bar Refaeli doesn’t look like Christina Hendricks, so I guess that means she’s not a “real woman”. I’m confused I guess, because she’s seems pretty real when Hendrick’s husband jacks off to her when Hendrick’s is sexily stripping out of her 24-hour Rebar spanx. Ooohh, like that baby.

Shitty music and grating personality aside, Katy Perry has a fantastic rack, and that pretty much all that matters to me. So, if you’re a chick and you have a fantastic rack, Greg from Accounting, although he pretends to, doesn’t really care about the new sweater you bought for your Pomeranian or the new vegan recipe you want him to try, he’s just trying to titty fuck you. Hope that clears things up.

Cameron Diaz the Ever-Living showed up, but she didn’t stay long. Apparently she got a collect call from Third Earth saying Panthro fixed the ThunderTank so she had revert to her mummified form, and enter her sarcophagus to rejuvenate herself. “Mumm-raaaaaaaa!!!!”, she was overhead as saying.

I don’t know what kind of buffet Jessica Simpson went to before the party, but obviously it was good enough for her to say fuck it, i’m just gonna wear a sheet. Simple, yet practical, her thighs can heat up the Hot Pockets while she mingled.