Vanessa Paradis Hates Angelina

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Since Angelina Jolie’s vagina is like that tractor beam on the Death Star for all her male co-stars (Johnny Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Brad Pitt), somebody doesn’t like that she is currently filming The Tourist with Johnny Depp. Specifically, his girlfriend of 12 years and mother of his two children.

The New York Post

But Johnny Depp’s longtime gal pal has no intention of joining the trail of brokenhearted Hollywood ladies left crying to Oprah Winfrey after Angelina Jolie stole their men. So when Vanessa Paradis found out her “Pirates of the Caribbean” stud and Jolie were to shoot a passionate love scene in their new movie “The Tourist,” she ordered Depp to find another gig, a source told The Post. Paradis “found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie,” a source close to the project said. “He’s currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don’t know if he’s succeeded. But he’s trying and they’re talking about replacing him with [Jolie’s partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.” Paradis, Depp’s partner of 12 years with whom she has two kids, doesn’t have to look deep into Jolie’s past to find reasons to worry.

Angelina Jolie could be stricken with leprosy and have have golf balls for eyes and still be a billion times hotter than Vanessa Paradis, but Johnny Depp doesn’t seem like the type who would be lead by his dick (his girlfriend case in point). Unlike me of course. If I was Johnny Depp, every time she walked by my trailer she would need Hannibal Lecter to whisper to me until I swallowed my own tongue.

Johnny Depp on the set of The Tourist. Oops: