Robert Pattinson Is Scared

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Since misguided fangirls everywhere were cutting themselves when he told the world he’s like a girl who runs into a spiderweb when he touches a vagina, Robert Pattinson is now saying that he and Kristen Stewart are together. Look at the monkey! Don’t look over here, everybody look at the monkey! He tells The Sun:

“It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it’s impossible. We are here together and it’s a public event but it’s not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention.”

Sorry. Too late queer. Let’s not try to pretend now. The only way you’d have sex with Kristen Stewart is if she somehow transformed into My Chemical Romance.

Yep. She doesn’t look like she uses a strap-on at all: