Lindsay Lohan Has Learned Valuable Lessons

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Despite the fact the Smithsonian could have it’s own wing dedicated to the photographic evidence that her vagina is like Ellis Island, despite the fact she’s been in rehab three times, despite the fact that she’s had two DUI’s, despite the fact she’s been charged with felony cocaine possession, despite the fact that she was rumored to be partying with Heath Ledger when he died, and despite the fact that she carjacked an SUV and chased her assistant’s mom down PCH doing a 100mph then drove literal circles around the panicked woman in the middle of the highway, Lindsay sat down for an interview with the The Sun to blame everyone else. Sure, why not?

“When my father was going public, that’s when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn’t the answer to my problems. People need to know that. “I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I’m in a place where I don’t need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to.” Lindsay sees a therapist fortnightly and attends weekly alcohol education lessons. She says the first time she sought help for her addiction was in 2007 after collapsing in her LA bathroom, waking surrounded by cascading water – and terrified. She says: “I went to rehab three times. The first time I checked myself in because I had taken Ambien. It’s a sleeping aid but it makes you hallucinate. “I’d run a bath and fallen asleep on the floor and the bath had overflowed. “When I woke up I was so scared, I called my therapist and said, ‘Can I just go somewhere for a month? “I’m around bad people and I need to take care of myself’. I was terrified, so I put myself in. “There was a point when I didn’t know how to say ‘No’ and I was trying to please everyone. “I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was.” Talking of the first time she was caught with cocaine, following a car smash in May 2007, she confesses: “It was in a purse and I was with friends. I wasn’t trying to lie to police. “I was only aware of cocaine because of my dad. I was terrified of it. But I tried it because I was stubborn, stupid, and wanted to see what it was like. “It’s not something I ever want to do again. It made me feel like s***. It became uninteresting to me. I’m hyper anyway and I have that kind of personality so I don’t need something like that.”

Whatever, bitch. I read this a few times and I didn’t see the part where people held a gun to your head, so if you could just shut the fuck up that would be great. If you want to work again so bad, why not try suicide. Maybe you can get a role on Ghost Whisperer. If you don’t, it would work out pretty well for me because that would mean I’d never have to write about your stupid ass again. Thanks, Lindsay!