Jessica Alba Loves Being Married

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On May 19, 2008, Jessica Alba married director’s assistant, Cash Warren, after they met on the set of Fantastic Four. Less than a month later, Alba gave birth to the couple’s first child and they have been living in romantic bliss ever since. You know, except not. The Sun reports:

The stunning star, who tied the knot in 2008, has branded the institution of marriage “warped” and “a load of crap”. “I had a hard time agreeing with marriage at all because I feel like it’s been warped,” she told Cosmopolitan magazine. “Originally, it was two families coming together to make a stronger family. It was about survival – not love or soul mates. “And now the way they market marriage – even as a kid through Disney movies – is that it’s all about Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet. “There’s this mentality that you need the big dress and the big day – the day every girl gets to be a princess. I didn’t agree with any of that. “This tradition of obeying your husband like he’s your king? It’s a load of crap. Love and honour, yes. But you should love and honour yourself too, and all your friends.” Which begs the question, why did she walk down the aisle in the first place? “I chose to get married because, essentially, you’re given a deck of cards in life,” is her cryptic answer. “The hand you were dealt with is your family and you can’t choose them.”

Christ. If I was Cash Warren, I’d probably turn my cell off for a while. Maybe she’s bitter because he sucked every last bit of hotness he could out of her or maybe she just realized that at 30, she married the wrong person. Whether they want to admit or not, all women want to be treated like princesses and fucked like porn stars. That’s it. If you can do both of those, you’re golden. If you can do one of those, it may last for a while but not as long as you think. Like my penis for example.