Everybody Wants To Hit Rihanna

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I guess it wasn’t Chris Brown’s fault that he beat her and choked her out in his car last year, because apparently everyone with fifty yards wants to knock the shit out of her. Mirror UK reports:

Rihanna, Kim Kardashian and Timbaland were all sitting at the same table in Miami’s Liv club, drinking bubbly and having a giggle. The DJ was spinning Ri’s Run This Town – but the good vibes were about to be shattered big time. Suddenly five magnums of Laurent Perrier Rose were thrown from the balcony above, with one whistling past the Umbrella star’s left arm before smashing to the floor. Someone from Rihanna’s table hurled a bottle back, prompting the party above to send an even bigger jeroboam bottle hurtling down. Despite almost causing Rihanna serious injury, the yobs were shouting “touchdown” every time a bottle landed. Rihanna was screaming as American footballer-sized bouncers waded in to catch the troublemakers. The DJ then stopped Ri’s track and yelled: “Everybody get the f*** out. Super Bowl is ruined.” What a disaster. As Rihanna and Kim got ushered to safety, everybody else trooped out too.

This is gonna sound way more racist than it should, but if it’s dark and you’re drunk, it might be easy to confuse Rihanna with some sort of escaped prehistoric woodpecker that was reanimated and transported from Africa to be studied and put on display. Well, maybe that was kinda racist. In my defense, studies have shown that a lot of woodpeckers abuse the welfare system.