Jessica Simpson Is The Picture Of Mental Health

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A week after her dog was eaten by a coyote, friends say that Jessica Simpson is in a tailspin of sadness and despair and is at the “lowest point of her life”. I for one thought it was either the time she got dumped a day before her birthday or the time she got dropped from her record label. Or the time she gained 300 pounds. Or the time she performed during a Bingo game. Or the time she forgot the lyrics to her song on GMA. Or the time she was sent to Cedar-Sinai for being a drunk ass. Or the time John Mayer called her out for stalking him. Or the time her movie, Blonde Ambition, made $1,322.00 at the box office. But apparently I was wrong, because she’s about to kill herself because an animal with no human emotions who only hung around because her dish was filled everyday is now fertilizer. Yeah, that makes sense. People reports:

“Daisy was her baby,” one of them tells PEOPLE. “It’s going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever.”…”Jessica has a very small inner circle,” the friend said. “But she always had Daisy. Daisy gave her unconditional love.” And, unlike some of the men in her life, the friend added, “Daisy never betrayed her. Daisy was always there for her. This is serious. Jessica’s heart is broken.”…Whenever she was out at night, Simpson called home and had “someone put Daisy on the phone so she could say goodnight.” “Daisy ran the household,” the friend said. “If Daisy didn’t like you, you were gone. Sometimes if her regular hair and makeup people weren’t available and Jessica had a sit-in, if Daisy didn’t like them, they wouldn’t be back. Daisy ran the roost.” When Simpson was having relationship problems, “she would cry herself to sleep at night, using Daisy as a pillow.”…”Jessica is very needy. She is very clingy,” the friend said. “She is so sweet, but sometimes because of that she’s hard to be around. It’s not always easy. She hates to be alone. That’s what happened with [ex-boyfriend and Dallas Cowboys quarterback] Tony [Romo]. Jessica smothers people. She doesn’t really have any hobbies. Daisy was exactly what Jessica needed.”

As much as I hate to be an insensitive prick here, it’s just a dog. A dog. They make a lot of those. Get a new one. I had a bull mastiff named Ajax for 8 years before he got hit by a car because I left him with my ex when I went on a trip. Three days later, I got a new dog. I don’t understand this level of emotional response when you can replace something you lost by replying to an ad on Craigslist.

NOTE: Sorry about the late jump today guys. I had some fish tacos last night that were apparently laced with arsenic and anthrax.

UPDATE: Thanks for all the comments saying that I’m a dick. Although I’m a little confused. I was under the impression that me being a dick was established already.

Jessica and her gay at Beso: