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This is going to sound way creepier than it should be, but if Disney really wants me to care about a movie about a teenage millionaire’s problems and her journey of self-discovery that ends in a montage and a power ballad, they should at least make the chick hot. Miley Cyrus is almost comically uanttractive and no matter how many times they tell her to stop, she insists on doing stuff like this and this. God knows why this dumb hillbilly is Disney’s sacred cow. Especially when the jailbait tiara and Best Achievement in Uncomfortable Erections award clearly goes to Selena Gomez. But don’t take my word for it. A critic from The Pedophile Journal-Constitution writes, “If you only masturbate to one underage girl this year, make that girl Selena Gomez!”

(btw, sorry about the lack of posts yesterday. I must have contracted ebola or been bitten by a zombie, because that’s the only way to describe how I’m feeling right now)