Lindsay Lohan is Almost There

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Lindsay Lohan’s descent into madness and obscurity is coming along nicely, because Page Six reports that she is “drowning her sorrows” over Samantha Ronson the only way she knows how – in a sea of penis and vodka.

The faux lesbian has been “a complete and utter wreck” since Ronson broke it off with her two weeks ago, and has been spending time with “a different man every night,” said one concerned friend. Some of the guys include “90210” star Kellan Lutz — who “has been out of town this week, but they are in constant contact,” the friend said — as well as British paparazzo Chris Jepson. On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. According to a spy, they even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time. Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.…Meanwhile, since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

If there’s a silver lining in all this, it’s if you’ve ever wanted to bang Lindsay Lohan, now’s your chance. After pretending to be a lesbian for so long so she could be financially supported, Lindsay’s vagina is now like a velociraptor that just broke out of it’s cage. It’s looking to hunt and swallow every piece of meat it can find. Just say you’re a producer and maybe buy her a drink and in five minutes you can put a bridle on her head and ride her like Secretariat.