Gwyneth Paltrow is a Respected Scientist

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Gwyneth Paltrow is a pretentious America hater who was born rich and raised by hippie film industry parents who sent her to a hippie school where she played in drum circles and made friendship bracelets, so of course I hold her scientific theories in high regard. Like the one that shampoo gives babies cancer and autism. The Sun reports:

The Two Lovers star revealed she was “seized with fear” after reading up on the so-called dangers posed to children of environmental chemicals apparently used in such products as shampoo. She said: “A couple of years ago I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children. While reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear about what the research said. Fetuses, infants and toddlers are basically unable to metabolize toxins the way that adults are, and we are constantly filling our environments with chemicals that may or may not be safe. The research is troubling; the incidence of diseases in children such as asthma, cancer and autism have shot up exponentially and many children we all know and love have been diagnosed with developmental issues like ADHD.” However, Cancer Research UK insists there is absolutely no evidence to back up the Oscar winner’s findings. And medical chiefs have been quick to wade into the debate, with bacteriologist Professor Hugh Pennington calling her claims “rubbish” and “loopy”. He added: “It’s a load of nonsense. Shampoo is perfectly safe, unless you drink it in large quantities.”

Man, did you hear that? Gwyneth Paltrow “read up on the subject”! She’s amazing! Forget the last fifty years of documented scientific research and the fact that every baby in the civilized world uses shampoo, Gwyneth read something on the Internet one time and now she’s able to make rash judgments on subjects where she is hilariously misinformed. Just like in the eHarmony forums where I talk about kissing girls.

Gwyneth and Willy Wonka(?):