Amber Alert Party!

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The sex offender database and tween world are about to spin off their axis right now because Jonas Brother, Nick Jonas, and Selena Gomez have officially broken up. Like OMG!! Text the cell, girl! Text the cell!!! Star Magazine reports:

The 16-year-old singing sensation and his Disney star girlfriend Selena Gomez, also 16, have broken up. The youngest Jonas Brother announced he was single on The Insider. And while Nick was in NYC doing a media blitz with his bros, Selena hit the town in Los Angeles with his other ex girlfriend — Miley Cyrus! Selena, Miley and fellow tween star Demi Lovato dined on sushi at Koi in West Hollywood on Thursday. Miley’s current boyfriend, Justin Gaston, also tagged along.

The Jonas Brothers are gay, and although Selena Gomez is super cute, she looks about 11. She’s 16. So I don’t think anything is gonna change much in the next two years. She might look 13 then. If that’s the case, I might as well fuck a koala sitting on a rainbow or a basket of kittens in tiny pink bonnets. You know, because if I wanted to have sex with things that were adorable, I’d start at the top of the list.