Jessica Alba Barely Survives Vulcan Death Pinch

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The greatest thing about Jessica Alba going to a nail salon is that no one talks to Jessica Alba in public. She’s kind of a bitch. And since she can’t act, all she really does is go to different places around the world and tempt people with her silent bitchiness.

Whenever my cat makes any of the expressions Jessica Alba is making in these photos, it’s usually because it found its way into my his-and-hers warming lube and it’s stomach is on fire with the power of vomit that smells like an orgy. Then the cat vomits on me, because it hates my guts like everyone else and I have to go about my business smelling like 40-something group sex and people mistake me for Neil Patrick Harris.

That’s why I gifted my cat to Jessica Alba, who looks to have eaten it. Which is probably the only time I’ll ever get to claim that Jessica Alba ate my pussy.

Bet you saw that joke coming a mile away, huh?