Jennifer Aniston, Twins?

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Now that she’s proposed to John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston is now entering Phase II of her plan called, “Oh, please God don’t let me die a lonely, bitter hag because no one loves me and my acting sucks.” Action items include secret fertility treatments and African food. Star Magazine reports:

“…Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins. “She knows her baby-making years are limited,” says a source. “It’s hard for her to think of anything else — she has babies on the brain!”…While friends say the actress would be happy with a single healthy child, two babies at once would be a dream come true. “She’ll try anything to help her chances,” says her pal. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses her instructor suggested to help her get pregnant. “Jen has also changed her diet. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins.” She’s even eating cassava root, a wild yam, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

Wow, I sure am happy for Jennifer. Because nothing quite captures the joys of trying to have a child like secret lab tests and third world superstitions. Maybe when she has them she go walk out on a cliff and hold them up like the Lion King or put them in a basket and float them down the river to herself. You know, just to fully drive the point home that she’s fucking insane.