Two months ago, Paris Hilton filed suit against Hallmark for misappropriating her image and invading her privacy with the release and sale of this card. In the complaint filed in U.S. District court, Hilton is seeking $500,000 in damages and a permanent injunction against the greeting card company. Yesterday, Hallmark responded to the lawsuit. And when I say “responded” I mean “unzipped their pants, pulled it out, and smacked Paris in the face.”
Hilton has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist’s pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical.”
Holy crap. I bet Paris didn’t see that coming. No, really. She probably didn’t see it coming. Have you see her eye? It’s pretty fucked up. There it is. Wait, no there it is…no, there…hold on…ugh! Dammit Paris will you just hold it still please?!?
paris-hilton-hallmark-cards
What to Write in Your Valentine’s Day Cards
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For a Co-Worker
Happy Valentines Day -- in a completely professional, non-sexual way.
(They made me sign a waiver, so please, don’t sue.)
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For a Married Couple
I’d tell you I love you, but whatever I say is wrong.
Happy Valentine’s Day from your husband.
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For the Rocky Relationship
Since we both have herpes now, I guess there’s no point in breaking up.
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From a Secret Admirer
Why is stalking always so funny in romantic comedies -- because I’m seriously in love with you.
(And I visit you when you don’t know. Check the closet. I left you something.)
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For Your Friend
I want to f**k you. You want to f**k me. Can we just f**k already? Just kidding! Happy Valentine’s Day from your platonic friend.
(I was just kidding, but maybe we should f**k and see what it’s like.)
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If You're Mormon
Happy Valentine’s Day to my sixth favorite wife. Without you, I’d have less property. I really appreciate it. See you next month.
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For a Crush
I’m not giving you this card because I like you or anything. It’s just because I like had this extra one in my closet, and you really look like someone who likes cards. I guess. I don’t know what that means really, I just wanted to say that hey, “Isn’t Valentine’s Day stupid?” Ha! Unless you like Valentine’s Day. You probably have a big date or something, right? Or maybe not. I’m not really doing anything that night, myself. Will probably just stay home and read a book. Or maybe I’ll do something spontaneous and crazy like ride a motorcycle. I can go either way. So, anyway, I’m just sort of rambling on, and maybe you have someplace to be, so I hope this isn’t weird, because I don’t like you or anything, unless maybe you’d like to maybe go see a movie or something, but no expectations, unless you have expectations. Not that I do, or even think that you’d like to hang out with me or not. Anyway, here’s a card. Take from it what you will.
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For a Classmate
I go nuts for you!
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If You're From Arkansas
I luf yur ladie bits, cusin Earl.
