Hallmark Tells Paris Hilton to Suck It

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Two months ago, Paris Hilton filed suit against Hallmark for misappropriating her image and invading her privacy with the release and sale of this card. In the complaint filed in U.S. District court, Hilton is seeking $500,000 in damages and a permanent injunction against the greeting card company. Yesterday, Hallmark responded to the lawsuit. And when I say “responded” I mean “unzipped their pants, pulled it out, and smacked Paris in the face.”

Hilton has become a household name, based in large part on her efforts to draw attention to herself. Having done so, she has subjected herself to public scrutiny and the parodist’s pen. The First Amendment does not allow her to respond by welcoming the fawning and flattering, but silencing the critical and comical.”

Holy crap. I bet Paris didn’t see that coming. No, really. She probably didn’t see it coming. Have you see her eye? It’s pretty fucked up. There it is. Wait, no there it is…no, there…hold on…ugh! Dammit Paris will you just hold it still please?!?