Lindsay Lohan is Toxic

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In the least surprising news of the year, Lindsay Lohan was officially drunk and high on coke the night she crashed her Mercedes and fled the scene. TMZ reports:

According to multiple law enforcement sources, toxicology reports conclude that Lohan, 20, had “nearly twice the legal limit” of alcohol and traces of blow in her bloodstream when she crashed her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible into a curb on Sunset Blvd. around 5:30 AM on May 26. In California, drivers with a .08 or higher are legally drunk. Police tell TMZ Lohan and two other adults were in the car at the time of the accident. After the crash, she was taken to a local hospital and treated for minor injuries, then placed under arrest on suspicion of DUI. Cops later said they found a “usable amount” of cocaine in the car.

We’re told that the Beverly Hills Police Dept. could present the case to the Los Angeles D.A. in the next few days.”

Wouldn’t it be awesome if Brandon Davis was the D.A.? He’d tell the judge the defendant would herein be referred to as “Firecrotch” throughout the court proceedings and go on and on about Firecrotch’s clitoris size and would continue off topic like that for a while until Firecrotch got mad enough to jump on the defendant’s table, lift up her skirt and show everyone her clitoris really isn’t 7 feet long, and “only smells like diarrhea sometimes.” Real court is just too boring.

Lindsay’s gut missing cocaine on June 26th:

Watch that video of Brandon Davis after the jump in case you’re one of the two people on Earth who hasn’t seen it.