Billy Zane Has Talent

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Hollywood legend and international superstar, Billy Zane, unveiled his new film, Fishtales, at Cannes this year. It’s the story of a mermaid (Kelly Brook) who befriends a little girl, and critics the world over are singular in their praise. The Daily Mail reports:

Critics viewing the couple’s film Fishtales were said to have laughed out loud at how bad the film was, and more than half walked out before the end…one reviewer said: “It was the worst thing I’ve seen this year, possibly ever. I stayed as long as I could without crying with boredom. We followed the crowds and snuck out the door. But I felt guilty when I saw Amber Savva – the girl who play’s Billy’s daughter – waiting in the wings. At least she’s got time to learn the others should have known better.”…The laughter continued in the post-screening press conference when a journalist asked actor Zane if he would consider trying a new baldness treatment!”

People always stop me and say that Billy Zane looks like a young Marlon Brando, but I tell those people they are thinking about the Billy Zane from 40 years ago. The Billy Zane now is bald and fat and has the acting range of a totem pole. So, it’s no surprise that scientists are still trying to determine how Billy managed to talk Kelly Brook into leaving Jason Stratham for him. Their theories so far? Sorcery and chloroform.

Kelly Brook and Billy Zane in Cannes:

Kelly Brook without Billy Zane in lingerie: