Us Weekly Thinks These People are Hot

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Today is boring and I really need to go ahead and start drinking so, here are some of the chicks who “sizzled up the gold carpet” at Us Magazine’s Hot Hollywood Party last night. Obviously, the word “hot” is not really happy about all this:

Jennifer Lopez also won the prestigious Style Icon of The Year Award. It’s so prestigious, I’ve never heard of it. I’m not sure what it takes to win, but I assume it involves jeans with the ass stretched out and looking like a male Jennifer Lopez impersonator.

Paris Hilton just needs to go ahead and get an eye patch and a parrot, and get it over with. That eye is basically closed. She looks depressed, so maybe her right eye is some sort of mood eye. If it’s open, that means she’s alive. And that doesn’t put me in a good mood.

Seriously, is there any doubt that Ashlee Simpson is the hot sister now? Granted, Ashlee’s still kinda fug, but at least she has an actual woman’s face. Jessica Simpson looks like Bill Cowher with a blonde wig and collagen injections.

The freckled whore in curls:

Carmen Electra is pretty much the only exception to this list. She’s still getting it done after all these years, and she doesn’t mind getting naked. And if you’re a hot chick with big boobs, it says somewhere in the Constitution that you’re legally obligated. Sorry, ladies!