Labour’s Ed Miliband has been forced to apologise for endorsing the free edition of The Sun that was sent out to homes nationwide to commemorate the World Cup 2014. His apology has come after politicians in Liverpool slammed the decision due to The Sun’s infamously vile coverage of the Hillsborough tragedy, but while that is a good enough reason for many wanting him to say sorry for his hauntingly jubilant celebration of the rag, he should also apologise for supporting something so unbelievably, unforgivably shit.
Now, The Sun isn’t typically associated with high-end journalism. It’s simple, throwaway trash that can largely be ignored until its inherent xenophobia begins flaring up again. Aside from occasionally flicking through it when visiting my grandparents’ house, I can’t remember the last time I actually sat down and actually read a copy of the newspaper in full. Well, The Sun hoped to change that by sending a free copy of its World Cup 2014 commemorative edition, which was full of page-to-page blind patriotism and unwittingly hilarious quotes, graphs and images.
Let’s take a look, shall we?
Image Credits: The Sun
The Sun Newspaper
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"Are you proud to be English?"
According to this wonderfully presented pie chart, 72% of those surveyed said they were proud to be English, but that's not the real story here. The real story is the kind of awkward conversation that must've ensued following the answers the other 28% of interviewees gave, especially the non-commital 10% who replied with "I dunno".
I imagine them answering their doors to a Sun employee dressed in full English patriot attire - face painted white and red, flag draped across his shoulder, can of Carling in his right hand - who left deflated after discovering that not everyone felt a sense of pride regarding the country in which they fell out of their mother's womb.
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What on Earth happened to Geoff Hurst?!
I can appreciate how irritating it must've been to Photoshop each and every celebrities' face onto the front page of the paper, but my word, what did they do to Geoff Hurst?
Just look at that monstrosity. Ignoring the fact that the World Cup has been cut in such a way that it resembles one of those fist-shaped vibrators, Geoff's neck has been mauled to the point where his head looks like an earthworm popping up from beneath some soil.
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"Who is the greatest English historical figure?"
Ignoring for a second that Winston Churchill actually said some morally reprehensible things in his time (praising Hitler, supporting gassing and being remarkably racist, among other things), take a look at the very bottom of this list. While its positioning on the leaderboard would lead you to believe that it was the least uttered response, "Don't Know" was actually the response given by 9% of those asked the question "Whodo you think is the greatest English historic figure?" That means that it was the third most frequently received response, putting it ahead of the bloke who FIGURED OUT HOW GRAVITY WORKS. If you've ever wondered what demographic The Sun is catering to, look no further.
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"Who is the greatest living English person?"
Ant & Dec is not one person.
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The Sun Newspaper #5
Just in case the subtlety of The Sun's "ENGLAND IS FANTASTIC AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS SHIT" special edition was lost upon you, here's a hyperbolic statement from writer Tony Parsons, who judging from his photo looks like the kind of guy you'd avoid sitting next to on the bus out of fear that he'd start telling you about his day.
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"SEND EM ROME"
The Sun also did this "funny" little two-page spread showing how major historical English events would've been covered had the newspaper been around when they happened. The "SEND EM ROME" headline shows us that even back in 43 AD they would've been reprehensible xenophobes.
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...and Katie Hopkins.
All good things must come to an end, and in this case that end involves professional contrarian and hook-nosed bile-blaster Katie Hopkins giving us a shit poem about how special England is.
