TRUE BLOOD 6.10 'Radioactive'

Episode Title: “Radioactive”

Writer: Kate Barnow

Director: Scott Winant

Previously on “True Blood”:

Wow. The makers of “True Blood” really must have thought they were getting canceled, because the Season 6 finale goes out of its way to give everyone – except Eric Northman, perhaps – a happy ending. And hey, if this actually WAS the ending of “True Blood,” it could have been worse. The last few minutes probably would have been a little different, but otherwise all the loose ends would have been wrapped up and audiences would have a decent sense of closure about the whole series, whether or not they actually approved of the events that occurred.

But since it’s NOT the series finale of “True Blood,” Episode 6.10 “Radioactive” is probably the worst season finale ever. Naming it after that overplayed and increasingly annoying “Imagine Dragons” song was not a good start.

“True Blood” took the “Game of Thrones” angle this season by placing the big, action-packed climax in the second-to-last episode, leaving the actual season closer to establish a new status quo. Only one final bit of business to tend to: Sookie kinda-sorta promised to marry Warlow, and since the Vamp Camp danger had passed, she wants to take it a little slow and actually date for a while.

So Warlow smacks her around, ties her to a Maypole like a hippie Snidely Whiplash, and completely undoes the half season of role-reversing that made him an unexpectedly interesting character. He was introduced as the villain, but revealed that he had good reasons for appearing that way. But then – screw it – they decided to make him the bad guy anyway for no reason other than… I dunno, would it have really ruined the series if Sookie became a vampire? She’s been spinning her wheels for seasons now, and come on… it worked wonders for Bella in the Twilight series. Who wouldn’t want to see Sookie Stackhouse body slam a puma in mid-air?

So Bill, now rid of his supernatural powers, comes to the rescue with Adilyn, Andy, Jason and Violet in tow, and thanks to a last minute deus ex machina from Niall, they kill Warlow. And somehow, after seasons of fighting all-powerful god monsters, spending the season finale killing one single vampire doesn’t have the impact the makers of “True Blood” must have thought it would. All the vampires who drank Warlow’s blood lose the ability to daywalk, which is particularly bad news for Eric Northman, who was sunbathing in the Alps at the time and suddenly bursts into flames. (I’m sure he’s fine.)

“True Blood” then cuts to six months later, a TV Trope invoked when the showrunners want to completely switch up the status quo without resorting to actual character development. The fates have decreed the following for the cast of “True Blood.”

Arlene bought Merlotte’s with Terry’s life insurance money… after, no doubt, a thorough investigation from the insurance company about the highly suspicious timing of said policy’s purchase. (Nah, that would be just silly.)

Sam is now the mayor of Bons Temps, and still in a relationship with a very pregnant Nicole. He’s spearheading a new, very weird movement with the churchgoing community to get all the Hepatitis V-negative humans of Bons Temps into a monogamous feeding relationship with the local vampire population, which is a very weird, conservative conclusion to come to in a series celebrating so-called deviants of all kinds.

Tara’s mother finally apologizes for ruining her life and begs Tara to enter a monogamous feeding relationship with her. And considering that for six whole seasons “True Blood” has used bloodsucking as a blunt metaphor for sex, the scene where Tara goes along with it after her mother bares her neck and begs for the sweet embrace of her own daughter is really creepy and disturbing.

Jason lives with Violet, who still won’t have sex with him, but does use him as a human cunnilingus machine. Which, honestly, may be the only way to keep Jason Stackhouse in line and capable of a serious relationship.

Jessica finally apologizes to Andy about killing three of his children (which he takes rather well), and she vows to protect his family forever as penance.

Bill writes a best-selling book about his life as a god, and includes the part where he beheads the Governor of Louisiana. Why isn’t he in jail for this? Bill says it’s because no jury would convict him of killing the man who invented Hepatitis V. But I dunno… I’m pretty sure the authorities would have preferred he went through the proper legal channels. I’m pretty sure a token trial would have been in order. I’m pretty sure it’s still a problem.

Sookie lives with Alcide, because she had to end up with somebody, I guess, and the writers of “True Blood” wanted to prove once and for all that all the werewolf crap we put up with this season really was completely pointless.

As for the world of “True Blood” as a whole, 1/8th of the world vampire population is now infected with Hepatitis V and roaming the countryside like zombies. The season ends with these Vombies attacking a church social for vampires and humans alike, which was probably supposed to feel like a cliffhanger but fails miserably because A) it’s tacked on a the last possible second and B) again, half the folks at that party are vampires and perfectly capable of fending the intruders off with minimal casualties.

“Radioactive” feels like it should have come with an apology: “Sorry about the boring season finale, we really should have used this time to establish new storylines instead of wrapping every subplot up in a tidy, conservative package, because now we’ve robbed the audience of any suspense they might have had for Season 7.” But admittedly that’s a little wordy.

I will redact most if not all of this review if HBO decides to cancel “True Blood” after all, realizing only after the fact that “Radioactive” works as a series finale, not as a cliffhanger. But since that doesn’t seem likely to happen, I’m forced to declare Season 6 the following: Worst. “True Blood.” Ever. (But in all fairness, “Life Matters” was genius.)