4 Reasons Why We F***ing Hate Snow
Snow: nature's way of reminding you of your place in the universe. Did you have plans for today? Well, not now you don't, because the sky is dropping freezing pellets of water vapor on top of you, rendering you virtually immobile as a result. Here are 4 reasons why we f***ing hate snow.
It's the only weather you can swear at without sounding mental
If you were to walk around in the summer screaming at the warmth of the sun, someone would probably have you sectioned. However, it's common to shout expletives at snow, because snow's a dick that wants nothing more than to hurt and humiliate you in front of all your peers. Whether it causes you to fall onto your back in front of a crowd of people, or it is thrown at your unsuspecting head from out of the gloved hand of a 10 year-old, snow is deserving of your anger and frustration. F*** you, snow.
It never comes on the day it's supposed to
Considering that snow is synonymous with Christmas, you'd think that the two would meet more often, but no. Over here in the UK snow remains wedged up in the sky on December 25th, refusing to come down and instead staying up there with its arms folded like a stubborn child. "You get down here this instant!", we say to it on baby Jesus' birthday. "No! I don't wanna!", it whinges back at us, before locking itself in its bedroom until mid-January.
It can be used as a weapon
Very few people enjoy rain, but the good thing about rain is that you can't use it as a weapon. You can kick a few puddles at your friends shins, sure, but that'll do nothing more than slightly irritate them. Snow, however, makes the perfect weapon. There's tons of it, it's readily available and it's free and, thanks to social convention, when one of them hits you in the ear and forces you to become temporarily deaf for a few seconds, you're just supposed to laugh it off lest you look like the kind of killjoy who'd write an article called '4 Reasons Why We F***ing Hate Snow', and no one wants to look like that guy.
It's impossible to tell whether or not you're treading in dog poo
Snow is essentially a blanket for the earth, and as such earth can hide a myriad of things underneath it, the saucy minx. One of these things is dog s***. Whereas your daily life consists of you avoiding dog s*** as if the pavement is some kind of faecal obstacle course, snow ups the challenge by rendering it completely invisible, meaning that you won't realise that you've stepped in the dinner that Fido had last night until you, or someone else, has smelt it. Queue an awkward inspection of the bottom of your shoe at a friend's house.
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