3 Ways to Combat Crushing Bouts of Depression

Sad Keanu tribute (via)


We all have down in the dumps moments from time to time. Whether it’s wailing your grievances into a pillow, refusing to get out of bed until 8pm, or painting your apartment with a matte black finish, we can all be a little depressed sometimes.

But especially the author. Today. Right now.

As I barely type these words, the keys sticking to my peanut-butter covered fingers, in between bouts of scooping JIF onto my chocolate-cake frosting shots, I decided to make a list. But instead of groceries, they are sure-fire ways to beat the blues back.

1. Have a Good Cry … Then Scream at Yourself for Crying



"Behind These Hazel Eyes, man, gets me every time."


You might think you’re a man. But even tough dudes cry. And the quickest way to alleviate your own personal anguish is to get it out there, man! In this post-modern exsistence we lead we can’t afford to keep it bottled up inside. You are your own worst enemy.  

And after you cry, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror, and say “F*** you!” Because you’re looking at a weak pathetic excuse for a person and you shouldn’t be given mercy! What are you doing? Crying? Bootstrap your attitude and belly up to the reality bar, buddy!

Then cry again after you’re done berating yourself. This is what I call the Weepin’ Binge and Purge.   

2. Go to a Friend for Help … Then Accuse Them of Sabotaging You

"I can't explain it, but I think this is going to end well."

Sometimes your own personal worries are not that personal. You just need to talk it out with someone.  Turns out the human race has been dealing with psychological health issues for a really, really, long time. It’s just, well, there was a lot more death back then, and you didn’t stick around long enough to get any resolution.

Imagine: you’re a troubled 13-year old … in the Dark Ages. Trust me, the problems you have sketched out in your journal won’t matter when the plague takes you in 6 months.

So, once you’ve talked about how you feel to a friend, immediately switch the tables on them while their guard is down and blame them for your problems.


It’s a little technique I picked up in math class: Disassociation. It’s when a “negative” number figures out the “positive” number is the reason why they weren’t held as a child.

…also why you can’t get a job, hold down a relationship, or keep any friends. They just keep leaving you! WHY?

3. Get Some Fresh Air … By Eating Fast Food in the Park


The best way to deal with a little mental stagnation is to take a deep breath and smell the roses. Barring roses, whatever fragrance is wafting off the urban decay that surrounds you day and night. Sometimes Mother Nature can cure what ails you. The simple reaffirmation of life in its natural state often lends great comfort to those disturbed.

So add to the calming pastiche by carb-loading yourself with two double cheeseburgers, a milkshake, and a value fry. It’s under $5!

Just think how happy you’ll be after you induce a food coma on yourself, stretched out on the park bench, distended gut sticking out for all to see. Seems like the ideal picture of mental health no matter how you spin it!

I know I always feel great after speed-eating my daily allotment of 2300 calories in a single sitting. C’mon, it’s our modern version of comfort food! Just now it’s known as comfort pink slime.

BONUS! An Honest Answer

Best way to get out of your depressing feelings is to do things that won’t make you more depressed. I don’t know if your problems can be solved. I don’t even know what your issues might be, but what I can say is this:

If you’re here now, you’ve been here before, and most likely will again. The key isn’t to “get over it” That’s silly.  It’s to be there for less and less time every time you return. Be an expert on yourself. You’re worth it.   

Support yourself. Support others when they need it. And please, don’t hog all the peanut butter, I need it for those frosting shots. And cake. Plenty of cake.


Chocolate Cake. Fighting Depression Since 1801. (via)


You can read more of the author’s pedantic and sprawling nonsense right here on Crave Online. He’ll most likely tweet about it @cravesam

He also has a podcast about comedy and history. It’s very funny. They just got new mics! So celebrate by listening to Historectomy every week on this very station.