10 Reasons Why it’s Better to be Forever Alone
Feeling lonely? Are you fed up of watching your friends drift away in loving relationships while you spend your evenings listening to The Smiths whilst narrating your life into the lens of a camera that isn't there? Well fear not – there are plenty of perks to being single. Here are 10 of them.
1. You can play as much Xbox as you want
Who needs love and sex when you've got FIFA?
2. You can make poor life decisions and no-one will openly criticise you for it
If you had a girlfriend you would never be able to realise your dream of withdrawing all of your savings and attempting to open up a French cuisine restaurant in Uzbekistan.
3. You can drunkenly stumble home at whatever time you want
The knowledge that no-one cares whether or not you made it home alive after your 15 mile drunken shuffle from the club to your bed is oddly empowering.
4. You can do a number two with the bathroom door open
No longer will you be forced into having a claustrophobic poo.
5. You don't have to apologise for being a sub-par human being
Now the only person you can disappoint is yourself. And your parents. And your friends.
6. You can muster up the motivation to look sexually appealing again
When you're in a relationship you become so self-assured that you see no harm in spending whole afternoons with your head inside the refridgerator, but being single means that if you ever want to have sex again you're going to have to, yknow, exercise.
7. You enjoy drinking
When in a relationship the consumption of alcohol becomes a fruitless exercise you partake in only in an attempt to enjoy yourself 10% as much as your single friends, who spend their evenings dry-humping promiscuous women on the dancefloor. However, now that you're single you can be the guy vigorously rubbing your crotch up against a stranger's arsecheek. Go you!
8. You don't have to deal with her friends
It was always difficult spending time with people who knew more about your penis size and sexual prowess than you do.
9. No more arguments
No longer will a conversation concerning whethere you should go to Starbucks or Costa Coffee descend into a fully-fledged war of the sexes.
10. You can have a crazy sex party
I'm not saying that you will have a crazy sex party (I've heard they are fairly difficult to arrange), but theoretically you could have one, which is better than not being allowed to have one at all… right?