What Guys/Girls Do On The Internet

It could be said that you can find out everything you need to know about the differences between men and women just by browsing through their respective internet histories. It could be said, if not for the fact that a man’s internet history is suspiciously deleted every 12 hours, and to convince him to allow you access to it would require a handkerchief and a bottle of chloroform.

The internet is by and large a pool of the collected thoughts and ideas of the earth’s populace, so by comparing the male and females’ usage of it, it could provide a very intriguing insight into the differing mindsets of the genders. Or, it could just show the depressing amount of porn a guy can sit through within a week. Either way, here are the half-assed results to my half-baked research regarding what guys and girls do while they’re wasting away their lives on the Interwebz.



Guy:After checking to see whether Stacey has uploaded any bikini photos from her trip to LA yet, it’s time for Guy to begin business as usual: looking at his ex-girlfriends profile, weeping slightly, and then masturbating.

He glances across his friends’ status updates, sees that Katy is “bored xx” and quickly propositions her for sex; “i’m bored 2… wna hang out?” he types, before deliberating over whether to include a smiley face or a winking face. A smiling face seems too jovial and friendly, he considers, whereas the winking face is a bit too up front and lacks mystery. He eventually settles with “:P”.

Girl: After updating her status to some vague song lyrics that may or may not be in reference to that boy she likes, Girl then peruses her News Feed for gossip that is mostly unrelated to her own social circle. After spending 20 or so minutes doing this, she eventually realises that she is browsing through the photo collection of a girl that she has never met, staring bleakly at this complete stranger’s magnificent arse.

Girl then retreats to the profile of that boy she likes, questioning how she could ever be attracted to someone whose profile picture is a photograph of his car. She then changes hers to a photograph of her cat.



Guy: He suits up as Faceless Space Marine #127 and, armed with nothing but an eight-pack of Coors and a whole heap of spare time, he stands side-by-side with his frat buddies, traversing the grey/brown colour palette of future Earth and shouting vaguely homophobic slurs through his Xbox Live headset to anyone who dares stand in his path.

Guy is solely dedicated to console gaming, as PC gaming is for “virgins” and he is “banging hot chicks every weekend”. Guy has been single for 3 years, but that’s his choice because “no bitch can put this dog on a leash”.

Girl: She has occasionally picked up an Xbox controller to play Black Ops in split screen with her boyfriend, but after he shouted at her for “not playing the objective” and “walking into the wall”, she decided it wasn’t for her.

She has stated in the past that she is a “hardcore” PC gamer, listing her favourite games as Bejewelled and FarmVille.



Guy: He doesn’t “do” blogging, thinking of it as the territory of “insecure fat chicks”, but if he did do blogging then it’d be an awesome blog like that one where celebrity females’ eyes are replaced by Steve Buscemi’s.

Guy does keep a diary, however, although it is used solely to remind him of “work and social commitments”. And also to write the occasional poem in, too.

Girl: Those who follow Girls’ Tumblr will know that she is a prolific blogger, and will also know that her cat is a natural in front of camera. When she isn’t blogging various photos of Mittens (which takes up an understandably large portion of her time), she sometimes finds herself sitting in front of her webcam and posting makeup tutorials onto YouTube.

She has a small amount of subscribers consisting of friends, family, and a guy that noticed a slight bit of exposed cleavage in a video she posted two months ago.