Rules I Just Made Up – Flirting with Baristas


So you, like the entire rest of the male population of this planet, saw a cute girl working at Starbucks and you have no idea what to do about it. You smile, stammer, and clutch your latte while dropping all your parking money into the tip jar. Never fear, my good man. You're on a mission of sleaze and I'm here to help.



She's not going to pay attention to you when you have a line of twenty people behind you waiting to offer her tip money. Capitalism's unfair like that, and so are hip-hop videos. You need to be the least boring thing in the room, and for you, my friend, that means being the only thing in the room.



You need to be very acutely aware that EVERY CREATURE WITH A PENIS THAT ENTERS THIS ESTABLISHMENT FLIRTS WITH THIS PERSON. What, you thought you were the only person that noticed her Tool tattoo, or how her chest looks in that apron? Get real, brother. To her, you're a dime a dozen. To NOT be a dime a dozen, pay attention to what you're ordering and everything she says. Pay attention to that thing you have a meeting about tomorrow, and make small talk about it. Pay attention to everything but her tits. You stand a much better chance of getting HER attention.



Alright, buddy. Time to go undercover. That barista is the only reason you're going into that Starbucks, and this is the highlight of your week. You know it. I know it. But she doesn't have to know it. No, you're this super interesting person with all these amazing things going on in your life. You blew up Machu Picchu and surfed down the mountain on the back of an alligator. All the women you have intercourse with have an ohm tattooed on their foreheads, because this recharges your mystic energies. You're the most interesting man in the world™. Just remember, if you lie too thoroughly, and actually get this girl on a date, it'll take her about two days to figure out that your back problems are actually from too much Xbox and not from the tiger you wrestled. It's a thin line, baby.



That's what I said. What? You know where she works. You know that she likes you. What more do you need to know? What's your rush? Leave. And more importantly, leave her wanting more. If you hang around and flirt with her, you're that annoying guy that's hanging around and flirting with her. The entire time you're talking to her, be checking the clock. Make it clear you have to go save the president of Zimbabwe or whatever, and then get the hell out.


5. GO BACK  

Clearly, she's not going to show up at your door with edible panties on right after you get back to your apartment with that coffee you didn't even want. This is a process. You must be like the mountain, or some zen shit like that. Go back, and be repeatedly awesome, and leave again. Go there and read a book, or do important-sounding work on your laptop. Be interesting, and be gone, repeatedly. She'll get comfortable with you. If you don't give too much away, she'll start to wonder about you, and then get fascinated by you. And you have a place to hang out while you look at all that anime porn you downloaded. When you know there's no way she'll say no, make your move, get her number, whatever. But for the love of god, don't ask her out for coffee.