Signs You’re That Guy.

I’m not saying your some sort of social leper; what I am saying is that if people don’t talk about you, they’re rolling their eyes whenever you’re not looking.

What am I getting at? You’re that guy. You’re either a know it all, or a show off, or display some grand inability to follow societal norms and codes.

99% of all that guys have no idea they are that person. This is to enlighten you. And hopefully you’ll change. And if you can’t change, perhaps you could keep your mouth shut more often.

You use the word “actually” a lot. Actually, I enjoy doing my taxes. Actually, I prefer a lot of raw kale. Actually, my surname is Welsh. Actually, this noir has a buttery undertone.

Do you see how that could begin to grate? Grate.

You  like to tell extreme stories about you that seem decidedly out of character.

Back when I was fencing, I used to shave the callouses off my feet with a razorblade. I once punched a guy in the chin and he collapsed because my fist hit a bunch of nerve endings. I never eat at franchised fast food restaurants.

You like to give you extra information about yourself in the name of “sharing” but it’s actually disguised bragging.

I collect foreign currency. I always keep an extra toothbrush around, in case a lady is over. I’ve never paid a late fee (for anything).

You wear shoes with no socks. I know I’m being harsh, and this is partly because I dated a guy who dumped me and didn’t wear socks (in the dead of winter in Chicago—and yes, at the time I thought it was cool). Here’s my theory on sockless dudes: they dismiss one of the most pivotal dressing codes as being unnecessary. And we know socks are necessary—they’re soft, warm and absorbent. That’s like dismissing toilet paper and I don’t think anyone around here is going to be doing this pretty soon.

If any of these sound or smell like you. Do us all a favor. Stop. And we’ll stop calling you toolshed when you’re not around.