Alternate Earth Interviews: Chuck Liddell

It’s time again to answer the timeless call of inter-dimensional travel. Truthfully, I don’t enjoy doing it, but the big-wigs in the CraveOnline home office have my children tied up in a basement somewhere.

Okay, that’s a lie. But the fact of the matter is that I have once again swung down to CraveOnline HQ and hopped into their inter-dimensional portal.

My Destination:  Earth #5,241,092

My Target: Former UFC Light Heavyweight Champ and all around badass, Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell

Armed with my field manual and my CraveOnline standard issue .45, I found that I had been transported to Earth #5,241,092’s version of Kalamazoo, Michigan.

I was told that “The Iceman” could be found in the most unlikely of places. A Chili’s Bar & Grill off I-94.

Wary of my new dimensional surroundings, I approached the hostess, a pretty girl named Trish, with steadfast caution.  

“Do you know where I can find Chuck Liddell?” I asked.

“Hmm… Chuck… Chuck…” she said, looking around, unsure how to answer. “Oh! Do you mean, Charles?

“I think… sure?”

“Yes, the nicest boss in the world!” she exclaimed. “Have a seat at the bar and I’ll send him over.”

I sit down at the bar, ordering a beer, waiting for “Charles ‘The Nicest Chili’s Shift Supervisor in the World’ Liddell to come meet me.

Shortly thereafter a man who looks familiar approaches but I’m somewhat unable to place him. He sports a pair of Walgreen’s reading glasses, an oxford shirt with “Chilis” embroidered on the pocket, and a nametag that reads, “Charles.”

CK: Um… Chuck?

CL: (smiling) oh please, ‘chuck’s’ my father… call me ‘Charles.’ Can I get you some Southwest eggrolls? Maybe some Texas cheese fries to nibble on?

CK: I’ll stick with the beer.

My eyes dart up to the TV screen in the bar, where Michigan State is losing to the University of Illinois. “Charles” takes note.

CL: Watching the ‘ole B-ball game, eh? I never did care much for competition. How bout a chocolate volcano sundae?

CK: Mr. Liddell-

CL: “Charles.”

CK: Okay, Charles… What if I told you that I came from another dimension… Another version of earth… where you are not a Chili’s shift supervisor… but you’re, arguably, one of the most prominent Ultimate Fighters of all time.

CL: Well, I’ll be… I’d have to say you done knocked yourself on the head mighty hard.

CK: I didn’t. I’m not making this up. I’m actually here from another version of earth.

CL: (sternly) Mister… You’re scaring the hostess.

CK: You’re the former Light Heavyweight UFC Champ. And, if I do say so, one scary SOB.

CL: Me? Fight? Never. The most fighting I’ve ever done is over Mrs. Johnson’s blueberry muffins at First Methodist Church of Kalamazoo every Sunday.

CK: I’ve literally watched you beat people unconscious.

CL: This is a family restaurant, sir.

CK: You have, like, three black-belts in various martial-arts disciplines.

CL: (grabbing my beer) Okay, bucko – I think you’ve had enough.

CK: You and Randy Couture had some really fantastic bouts!

CL: Who did you say?

CK: Um… You and Randy Couture?

CL: You don’t mean… “Randall Couture?”

CK: Oh, Jesus.

CL: Yeah, yeah. I know him. He works over at TGI Fridays. Helluva guy. Sells home-owners insurance part time.

CK:  What the f-ck.

CL: … You listen to me. I’ve listened to your ramblings. I’ve stood here and let you accuse me of beating up men. And I’ve even offered you some delicious Chili’s appetizers. But don’t you, for a second, think about cursing inside the bar and grill that is Chili’s. You got me?

CK:… yes, sir.

CL: Alright then. Now I’ve got some baby back ribs to take to table 14… so if you’ll excuse me…

Chuck Liddell then left me alone at that Chili’s a ghost looking for reality in a world gone mad.

Until next time…

Keep it tuned to CraveOnline for more hilarity!!!