Top 10 Celebrity Douchebags
Here at CraveOnline we interact daily with pop culture as a whole. In doing so, we see a lot of the same annoying celebrities doing the same annoying things, day in and day out. And we're not just talking about the Spears and the Lohans and all that housewife gossip stuff either. You can read about them at the checkout line of the supermarket. We're talking about celebrities that really have it coming, and that we feel are not getting their fair share of smarmy criticism. So without further ado, we present for your enjoyment our list of the top 10 biggest celebrity douchebags:
#10 – Sarah Silverman
The real reason Sarah Silverman is even on TV in the first place.
Sarah Silverman is one of those comedians that everybody claims to like because she is so “edgy” and her material is so “controversial”. In reality, Sarah Silverman is neither, unless Paris Hilton and Britney Spears jokes are what you consider edgy. When Sarah performed at the VMAs this year, it was perhaps the most awkwardly silent crowd ever seen at an award show. And it wasn’t because they were shocked or offended, but simply because it just wasn’t funny. Have you seen her movie, “Jesus is Magic”? Of course you haven’t, but if you did, you’d know it fails to produce even a single chuckle. Silverman couldn’t even last a single season on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the least funny show on television. Every time I see the previews for her new show on Comedy Central, I want to throw a bottle at my TV set.
#9 – Matthew McConagay
Time to stop hanging out with Woody Harrelson so much, buddy.
It’s time you put a shirt on, buddy. Not everyone has time to work out 37 times a day. I’m sick to death of this guy making me look bad at the beach, and then compounding my dislike of him but continually signing up for at least two horribly unwatchable romantic formula comedies every goddamn year. And lose the hick drawl for chrissakes, you’ve been living in L.A. for like 100 years already. No one’s buying it.
#8 – Timbaland/Timberlake
Timbaland: "C'mon just one more squeeze?" Timberlake: "No, silly, I'm all sore from dancing!"
Since when did it become cool to like anyone that’s ever been in a boyband? Furthermore, since when was it ever okay to make gay disco records with an insufferable Mangina and call it “hip hop”? These two douches form up like Voltron to create an unstoppable juggernaut of douchbaggery that’s invading every form of entertainment that we know of. Seriously, I can’t go anywhere without seeing or hearing something about these two jerkoffs. I wish Lou Pearlman would’ve raped and killed Timberlake like he did all those other boy band sissies that have gone missing over the years. Maybe then Timbaland would’ve faded blissfully into obscurity like Magoo. One can dream…
#7 – Mystery, “The Pick-Up Artist”
Yep. That right there's a guy that really knows how to pick up chicks. Apparently.
Not only is this guy a magician, which automatically makes him a douche… not only does he star in an annoying reality show, which is just cause for hatred… not only does he wear giant fuzzy hats and goggles IN PUBLIC no less… but most offensively, he purports himself to be a master pick-up artist despite all evidence to the contrary. And he calls himself “Mystery”. This guy is practically the blueprint model for douchebaggery. Seriously, if women actually have agreed to have sex with a guy like this, they ought to have their vaginas welded shut.
#6 – Tyra Banks
I have come to consume mass quantities of underage model blood. Nanoo nanoo…
I liked Tyra Banks better back when she wasn’t saying shit. Now all of the sudden she’s the new Oprah. Personally, I am of the opinion that one Oprah was already one too many. Tyra Banks has two shows on TV in which she dispenses bad advice to desperate girls and woman despite being crazier than a shithouse rat. And what’s with that fivehead she’s sporting? She looks like a black conehead. Please, for the love of god, would someone ship her back home to Remulak?
#5 – Anybody That Has Anything To Do With American Idol
If this image doesn't make you throw up in your mouth a little, then you are a communist.
That includes people who watch it. American Idol is basically a bad karaoke show that conjures up the spirit of “Star Search”, minus any possibility of being entertained. This is a show that has forced upon us Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell, Sanjaya and the reanimated corpse of Paula Abdul. It is single handedly responsible for making our entire nation stupider, and may even be responsible for the collapse of the music industry as a whole.
#4 – Posh Spice/David Beckham
Some soccer hippie out for a stroll with the 700 year old mummy of a former Spice Girl.
Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket. Who in the hell ever told these two douches that they could strut around Los Angeles like they were somebody important? One is a washed up, dried out Spice Girl with the worst bolt-on tits I’ve ever seen, and the other is a soccer player. Is there even one legal resident of this country that gives a crap about soccer? I didn’t think so.
#3 – Ben Stiller
Ben Stiller whacked out on coke with his pal Owen "Emo" Wilson.
I am at the absolute limit of my tolerance for Ben Stiller. I would rather eat a sackful of empty beer bottles than watch another one of his movies. I would rather clean the floor of Skid Row with my tongue. I would rather spend an entire workweek with a handful of razor blades down my pants than ever see even so much as a rudimentary drawing of his mugging, monkey face, ever again. That’s how much I hate Ben Stiller.
#2 – Kanye West
FYI: Mike Meyers is also a douche.
I went out of my way to make sure Kanye was not # 1 on this list, because it makes me laugh when he throws his little tantrums. Kanye is one of those guys that somehow manages to sell lots of records without writing any good songs. As a rapper, he’s marginal at best. As a political activist, he’s living satire material. Kanye likes to kiss ass at MTV and then bitch about MTV, all the while claiming that everyone on the face of the earth is racist and trying to keep Kanye down. Like when MTV played his video like 5,000 times in one week. Maybe they should’ve played it 6,000 times? Kanye is possessed of an over-inflated sense of his artistic value, and is a crybaby who pulls the race card every chance he gets. I hope he really does start beef with 50 Cent, because that dude will probably do us all a favor and smoke his whiny ass.
#1 – Dane Cook
Hey Dane, why don't you make this your new MySpace profile pick, ya douche?
Dane Cook is probably the best reason not to equate MySpace stardom with actual stardom. He is perhaps best known as a “comedian” that steals jokes from other comedians, then goes out of his way to make them unfunny. Dane Cook’s greatest artistic contribution so far has been to introduce a new way to flip people off to his fellow frat boy douchebags that constitute his fan base. Despite the fact that not one of his movies has been successful, he continues to star in highly publicized flops. Dane Cook’s cockiness and general visibility paired with his alarming lack of talent earn him the top spot in our list of annoying celebrity douchebags.
Please enjoy this instructional video which details the myriad ways in which Dane Cook is unfunny, from our friends at: