By Tom Oatmeal

I’ll bet a lot of you kids are looking at me and thinking, “Who is this guy?” or “Why is he so great?” and “How is he not sick from eating all of that garbage earlier?  He really ate a lot of it. I mean, towards the end it didn’t even look like he was enjoying himself.  It’s like he was eating because he was mad at something.”

Well, let me tell you this:  You can forget what you think is “cool” because I’ve got some news for you, YOU’RE WRONG!

What I’m doing here is simple.  I’m here to tell you kids about some dangers of growing up and then I’m going to have this gentleman here (point to principal) sign this little slip of paper that will help me get closer to operating an automobile again and then I’m going to leave.  So you better listen up because I’m not coming back for at least a couple of months!

Topic #1:  Sex

When you lose your virginity, it’s gone.   (Say that in a scary tone that hammers home the finality.  Let them be scared for a moment and then continue) although if there IS a way to get your virginity back, it probably starts with a t-shirt like that!  (Point to kid with Star Trek t-shirt.  Let auditorium laugh, faculty included) Well now I’m sure everyone is thinking, “Hey!  Is this guy going to tell me how to get laid?”  The answer to that is yes and no.  (Avoid eye contact with principal here.)  To be honest, there are just no guarantees for sex.  One minute you’re talking to a gorgeous woman about how your Uncle has the best racist jokes or how you chew gum at work even though you probably shouldn’t because you use the phone so much and the next minute, the girl is leaving the party with some asshole who investigates art thefts from museums throughout Europe. 

I know you guys probably think sex is the greatest thing in the world, but as a guy whose had it, basically it goes like this:  You go out and drink someplace sleazy and you think you’re talking to that (point to attractive girl) when really she’s probably closer to THAT (point to obese, homely girl or, for comedy, the shop teacher.  *Remember to shake his hook hand after the presentation to show there’s no hard feelings).  So then you go back to your place, have incredibly awkward sex and pass out.  Ten minutes later, you wake up to your stepdad Glenn punching you and telling you to get the f*** out of his house until you finish rehab.  Then you tell him that just because he’s nailing your mom, he’s not your real dad and he says, “Jesus Christ!  You’re thirty-two years old!”  Then the girl in the bed says, “Thirty-two!  You said you were twenty-three!”  And then it’s like, “F*****g thanks a lot Glenn!  I hate you!” 

Topic #2:  Pregnancy

I’m assuming everyone here knows how a woman gets pregnant.  (Let auditorium all nod collectively) Ok good.  Well, I’m going to tell you again to make sure everyone is on the same page. (Use Internet or ask parents to find out how women get pregnant before speech and then enter that information here)

Ok, so now that I’ve told you about how women get pregnant, can any of you clowns tell me the best way to avoid an unplanned pregnancy?  (Let them answer.  If someone says something stupid like, “abstinence,” laugh loudly as a way to tell the rest of the crowd, “Boy, wasn’t that stupid?  Let’s laugh at him/her.”) Wrong!  The best way to avoid getting pregnant is to…(I think it’s smoking and drinking, but look into this fact as well).  

(Pretend to not see the many raised hands and then move on)  Okay, well we better keep this thing rolling…

Topic #3:  Parties

You’re going to go to parties…(point to kid with glasses), not you.  (Let auditorium laugh and then settle down.)  So let’s say you’re at a party and some older guy is there and at first everyone is like, “Does anyone even know this person?” but then the guy explains that he played on the same baseball team as the host’s older brother who would also be there if he weren’t a doctor living in Seattle with his wife and kids. 

So this guy seems pretty cool and maybe he offers you a beer.  Are you going to drink it?  And don’t give me any of this, “I’ve never seen beer at a party” crap!  I know high schoolers.  In fact, a lot of people in this town think I still act like a high schooler.  Now, is that because I’m so youthful and charming or is it because I use my work vacation days to go on “Spring Break” in Panama City?  Who knows and who cares?  The point I’m trying to make is that I know you guys.  You’re going to get your hands on beer somehow. 

Most of you will steal from your parents’ basement.  For the rest of you, it’s as easy as going to the gas station and paying some pathetic sap a few bucks to buy it for you.  Hell, even if you don’t pay him, he’ll probably do it anyway because maybe it gives him a chance to feel relied upon for something and God knows it’s been a long time since he’s felt anything like that.  (Avoid eye contact with group of students you buy beer for on a regular basis)


High school can be scary, but guess what?  The world is scary.  You can do everything right.  You can do your homework and you can get good grades.  You can be nice to your teachers and nice to your friends.  But then one day you’re walking home and out of nowhere, some jerk who is about thirty-two, but looks younger, will drive by with his ass out the window and a cigar pressed between his butt cheeks as he says something like, “Hey nerd!  Nice…backpack!”  He’ll whiz by cackling even though he kind of wishes he’d planned the verbal part of the insult better and you’ll be left thinking, “What the hell did I do to deserve that?”  Suddenly, your faith of humanity is restored when you see the guy circle around the block again.  “I guess he’s going to apologize,” you think.  Wrong!  He just got self-conscious about what your impression of the cigar in his ass was and he’s there to modestly explain how it wasn’t actually IN his asshole, just merely pressed between the cheeks.  He’s not into that other one. 

Thanks Everyone!  Now who do I need to sign this?