Sloths Poop Once A Week And It’s As Painful As Childbirth

Close-Up Of Three-Toed Sloth On Rock. Photo: Wayne Harrison / EyeEm (Getty)

Say what you want about how painful the morning after a late-night run for the border is, but it’s apparently a walk in the park compared to what a sloth goes through when it drops a deuce.

Sloths only urinate and “release their bowels” once a week. When that time comes, it’s basically a defecation of biblical proportions. In fact, taking a shit wreaks so much havoc on a sloth’s body, scientists say they experience the same amount of pain as they would if they were birthing a child. Odds are when it comes time for you to take a dump, you simply pause the latest episode of Westworld, grab your cellphone or sudoku book and make your way to the john. For the common sloth, well, let’s just say they wish it was that easy.

From Tech Times:

The sloth has to physically climb down from a forest canopy to poop. To start the act of defecation, a sloth initiates a ritual dance that helps with the process. The dancing creates a tiny space in the dirt for the turd. The sloth can also do a second dance just to get back up the tree.

As the sloth only goes to the bathroom once a week, the turd emerges as a long piece, which scientists say, resembles an old banana. Constipation is a normal part of a sloth’s life and consequently, each bowel movement can be as painful as childbirth.

The animals can lose up to one-third of their body weight during defecation, and the poop can weigh over 2 pounds.

In more Sloth news: Statue Of Cristiano Ronaldo Looks Like Sloth From ‘The Goonies’

Perhaps only Elvis — who died on the crapper almost 41 years ago from what must have been one hell of an effort — could relate to the sloth-pooping experience. Speaking of death, as if crapping out almost one-third of your body weight wasn’t painful enough, there’s the whole “50 percent of sloth deaths occur while their pooping on the forest floor because it’s the easiest time for predators to attack” thing.

So, when the time comes for your next morning constitutional, remember it could always be much worse. You could be a sloth.