10 Games to Play Piss Drunk, and the Drinks to Get You There
Video games were built on a foundation of fun. So too, was the alcoholic beverage. Through combining two of God’s greatest gifts to humanity, people from all different walks of life have been able to find equal footing with one another. Though the thought may cause heads to explode, there are a great many games whose fun factor is turned up to eleven when there is alcohol coursing through the veins of its player, the top ten of which have been meticulously decided upon for this list.
Along the way, I shall be your guide through the wonderful world of intoxicated gaming, and will even go so far as to assist you in the finely tuned pairings of beverages to their respective games. Knowing these fun facts will truly separate the lightweight novices from the keg stand elite.
Rabbids is also a prime candidate for turn into a drinking game. There are infinite possibilities. Use your imagination.
Drunk driving is not only illegal, but also stupid and incredibly dangerous. Drunk driving in Mario Kart Wii, however, is a ridiculous good time that everyone should experience. Stop being a wuss and reverting back to the 20th century way of playing Mario Kart with an analog stick, and get in the now by using that God-awful wheel accessory and just try to get Toad to stay on the track with your blood content at 0.19, your friends yelling in your ears and absolutely no wheel resistance on that controller. I have two words: Rainbow Road. Or: Bacardi O.
Better yet, try connecting to the online component of Mario Kart, and film it. It’s impossible to do so completely sober, so good luck with that.
Recommended drink of Mario Kart Wii: Ginger Ale w/ Bacardi O on the rocks.
A go-to-game for drunken button mashing, you will never see competitive Smash Bros. playing with the ferociousness that four drunken frat boys can provide. Trash talking will know no bounds; despite the kid-friendly characters on the screen, the mothers, sisters, and girlfriends of all players involved will surely be subjects of immensely inapropriate verbal sexual assault. Amazingly, it is only in this sort of drunken, alpha-male environment that this type of behavior is acceptable (read: encouraged), as differences can be settled via fluffy avatars like Pikachu and Kirby, rather than real world fisticuffs.
Recommended drink of Super Smash Bros.: Freezing cold shots of Jagermeister.
With a control scheme that reeks of "easy to learn, difficult to master", WWF No Mercy takes the cake of intoxicating fighting games. Depending on the amount of beer you’ve already downed, your matches may vary from hardcore Triple Threats complete with real-world trash talking, to you and your opponent simply circling around the ring trying to figure out why there are three versions of your character on screen (beer goggles!). In all likely events, scenario #2 will simply result in a fascinating, albeit slurred, discussion of the "glory days" of professional wrestling, and how it just isn’t the same anymore.
Recommended drink of WWF No Mercy: Steveweiser
Not only is it good for getting your grandmother to pick up a video game controller, Wii Sports Bowling has also reduced the amount of disorderly conduct arrests inside of bowling alleys since its release in 2006.
Okay, so that statistic was completely made up, but I guarantee its true. In fact, if someone out there is willing to do the research, I will Paypal you $20. Regardless, the bowling portion of Wii Sports allows you to combine the obviously ultra-accurate virtual representation of your bowling skills with the ability to drink as much shitty beer that you can handle and not have to worry about hitting on the chain smoking bartender.
Recommended drink of Wii Sports Bowling: Miller High Life
While all previous entries on this list (and the ones moving forward) are geared for those with friends and social lives, playing Super Mario Bros. is geared for the man (or woman) who prefers to drink alone. Prefers, or perhaps, has no other option. Did I mention this was an auto-biographical list?
Anywho, playing Super Mario Bros. while completely liquored up is a reasonable solution for preventing yourself from going out and doing stupid things, like peeing on a Barnes & Noble window in Manhattan. You’ll find yourself amazingly focused on the intricacies of the game (you’ll swear the Princess looks like a girl you know) and I can guarantee that your self-loathing will multiply ten-fold, but you’ll burn through those hard levels with a proficiency you’ve never so much as imagined.
Recommended drink of Super Mario Bros.: Warm straight whiskey from the bottle, the cheapest you can find.
What we have here is a safer alternative to drunken karaoke, and an opportunity to capture those moments of awfulness in a recording to playback to your sober self the next day. Karaoke bars are great: the sad, lonely regulars (how you really feel on the inside but would never admit to), the strange level of respect between the regulars and the newcomers, the guy in the corner playing pool that doesn’t give a shit, and the sound system that despite its dingy qualities, is way cooler than what you have at home. But the reality is, karaoke is a damn near impenetrable scene.
With SingStar, you get all the same great off-key fun but in the safety of your own home, without the ridicule, heckling and intensity of the karaoke scenesters.
Recommended drink of of SingStar: Cranberry juice and vodka. Especially if it’s SingStar: ABBA.
Much like Dance Dance Revolution, Virtua Tennis is a drunken funfest that you have to get amped up to play. I personally guarantee consistently high intensity, lowbrow insults and a plethora of faults on your serves. Sober, Virtua Tennis is an engaging romp through the world of professional tennis, but intoxicated it becomes an intensely focused example of your actual tennis prowess. Or at least, that’s how you’ll behave.
Instead of playing against one another, try a few rounds of doubles with your friends. How much do you want to bet you’ll be at each others throats by the end of the evening, blaming one another for your team losing against the computer, when in fact it’s both of your faults? When this occurs, settle your masculine differences with a few rounds of Super Smash Bros.
Recommended drink of Virtua Tennis: Mountain Dew with Bacardi Razz and rum, on the rocks.
The mecca of party games, there is no other virtual experience that will feed your alcoholic tendencies like Rock Band. Playing the game while wasted will increase the intensity of the simulated euphoria you are feeling as you start to truly believe you are both a talented musician and a world famous rock star. Hey, there are plenty of talentless hacks that have made the big time, so why can’t you? You might as well party like there’s no tomorrow, who cares if you miss a few hi-hat hits, forget the words, or ruin the rhythm section?
In the end, Rock Band is where it’s at when you are feeling impervious to embarrassment and failure, even though in the end, that is truly all you will receive. And maybe some achievements/trophies, if you play long enough.
Recommended drink of Rock Band: Pabst Blue Ribbon