Punk Turtle That Breathes Through Its Genitals Is Now On The Endangered List

Photo: Dutodom (Getty Images)

They’re called the Mary River turtle, and it might look that they’re now on the endangered species list because they’re all overdosing on cocaine, but that is obviously pretty far from the truth.

According to The Guardian, the 16-inch turtle “sports a green mohican” and “fleshy finger-like growths under its chin,” and it can only be found on the Mary River in Queensland, Australia. It also has “gill-like organs within its cloaca – an orifice used by reptiles for excretion and mating – that enable it to stay underwater for up to three days.” So far, so good.

Unfortunately, pet collectors raided these bad boys like nobody’s business in the 1960s and 1970s before Crocodile Dundee was on the scene, and the species has never fully recovered. In fact, on the new list of the most vulnerable reptile species compiled by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL), the Mary River turtle finds itself at #30.

Come again? Scientists Are Using Vibrators To Give Turtles Hard-Ons

It’s unknown at this point what can be done to get the turtles back off the list and into a happy place, but it seems like telling people to stop raiding their nests would be a good place to start.

And in case you’re wondering, the reason behind these guys’ spiky green hair and facial features that make them look like the Willem Dafoes of the turtle world? The answer is that it’s not really hair. It’s algae that actually grows on their bodies.

Keep that one in your back pocket for a future episode of Jeopardy!