Few things go together like hot chicks and horror. I’ll be honest (I’m not afraid)…when I was a kid I went to horror films half to see slashers and monsters — and half to see naked girls.
In a time before the Internet and the ease of video porn, horror movies were the only places growing boys (get your mind out of the gutter) like me could see the forbidden flesh of a woman. With that kind of stake in it, you develop a real fondness for these movies and the scream queens who got naked, then usually got taken out.
I decided, since Halloween is right around the corner, I’d take a fond look back at the various woman I have loved from afar as they got themselves involved with serious slashers, zombies, and other such supernatural killers. Not all of them are from the past, not all of them died as a result of the attacks, but they were all really, really hot. So now I present, without further ado, The 10 Hottest Horror Victims.
So there you have it, The 10 Hottest Horror Victims, the ones who have shaped and molded me as well as the ones who keep bringing me back to the creatively bankrupt world of horror films. I’m sure you have a different list, so compare, contrast, talk it over with friends and figure out which of the horror ladies does it for you.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go carve a life-size Asia Argento out of pumpkins.
10 Hottest Horror Victims
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10. Tiffany Helm - Friday The 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
A New Beginning was easily one of the worst in the Friday the 13th series. It wasn’t even Jason doing the killing, but a distraught dad, out for revenge, against the kids at a troubled teen home who slaughtered his baby boy.
As much as I loved that the angry dad somehow became superhuman, I was more in love with Violet, the Goth, punk, interpretive dance queen played by Tiffany Helm. Not only did she have the whole bad girl thing going on, not only was she a bitch, but she looked like a girl you might actually be able to score with.
Bring a sixer, a Black Flag CD and some weed and it could be on for you that night. Many feel her death in Friday The 13th A New Beginning was lame, but I disagree. A punk rock chick doing the robot getting taken out by a dressed up grieving father? That’s pretty badass.
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9. Janet Leigh - Psycho (1960)
You have to give respect to the old school and Janet Leigh really was the first slasher victim. Portraying Marion Crane, Leigh had a hot MILF vibe going on right up until Tony Perkins chopped her up in the infamous shower scene. Some will argue that I’m way off but I think she was slamming hot. Remember when she’s standing around in the black pointy bra, that’s pretty sexy for that era. She was also carrying on an illicit affair, something ladies just didn’t do back in the day.
I dug that Leigh had some meat on her bones. Too many horror girls today look like teenage boys with long hair but Leigh was thick. In actuality I was surprised she didn’t smack all the ass off skinny Tony Perkins when he showed up in her shower sporting the wig and knife. Not to mention, you have to give props to any woman who gets an academy award for dying in a shower.
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8. Katharine Isabelle - Jason vs. Freddy, Ginger Snaps, American Mary
Some may argue with this one based on the fact that all of Katharine’s nude scenes were a body double but clearly they haven’t seen Jason vs. Freddy or Ginger Snaps. Katherine Isabelle oozes hotness and sexuality. When we first meet her character Gibb in Jason vs. Freddy, she is the perfect teenage slut, the kind of girl we searched all over for in high school. That whole baseball cap and half shirt look gave her a modern cheap feel, as if she was picking up where PJ Soles left off in the original Halloween.
Katharine Isabelle knows how to pull of the unattainable slut thing. The girl you know would make out with another girl, the one that would suggest getting it on the couch next to her passed out, drunken boyfriend. In reality Katharine Isabelle may be all home baked cookies and scrabble, but on screen she is every teenage boy’s fantasy. In Ginger Snaps, she made hairy girls who want to kill you look sexy, that’s no easy feat.
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7. Odette Yustman - The Unborn (2009)
Move over Megan Fox, a girl just as hot but way, way less bitchy is stepping into the ring to take your title. I think we can all agree The Unborn was an abysmal failure with one saving grace, Odette Yustman.
I think every man in the theater, when Odette stepped on screen in the wife beater/underwear combo, gasped. Don’t get all pissy ladies, we all heard you in Fight Club when Brad Pitt stood up in the red leather pants, so back off.
Yustman has that whole package hotness, even her hair seems like it’s hotter than other girl’s hair. With Megan Fox making bad career choices and talking shit on major directors, it might not be long before this doe eyed beauty becomes the next big thing. Who knew little Rosa from Kindergarten Cop would grow up to be so smoking.
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6. Judie Aronson - Friday the 13th The Final Chapter (1984)
This woman made me want to go camping. As the slut-on-the-go Samantha in The Final Chapter, Aronson had a pony-tail, exotic face look that made me think I would have braved the horrors of Crystal Lake just for a shot. I’d never really thought of myself as a big rafting guy but Judi Aronson’s scene in Final Chapter changed that.
Well, right up until she was knifed in the throat. Unlike the other victims I got to continue my lusting ways for Judie in Weird Science and American Ninja.
I have to say the latter two were disappointments only because Aronson played such virtuous young ladies. As much as I loved that she ended up with a nerd in Weird Science, or dated a ninja in American Ninja, it was always her time as the slut dying in a raft that I’ll cherish most.
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5. Sarah Polley - Dawn of the Dead (2004); Splice (2009)
Even as horror continues to roll out the gorgeous slut, there’s always room for the girl next door. For me, Sarah Polley is the perfect movie girlfriend. She’s hot, but not pin-up hot, she’s smart, she’s independent and you just know she has a killer music collection. Polley was awesome as the ass kicking wife in the Dawn Of The Dead remake (which I had a part in) and even the movie Splice, which was kind of a disaster, showcased how much she can do with just one look.
Polley is the girl in the horror film that will always triumph; she’s like a modern day Jamie Lee Curtis. You totally want to get with her, but you stay away because she’s too smart for you. As much as I may want to share my bed with the horror movie hussy, when the shit went down I’d try to get in good with Sarah, the smart, smoking hot girl, who will also tear shit up.
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4. Jessica Biel - The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
There are fewer things I hate more than the stupid, insipid, unnecessary remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This steaming pile of bloody, maggot ridden, horseshit took a brilliant film and turned it into the CW versus Leatherface.
However, the one silver lining in that cloud was Jessica Biel. Standing in an air-conditioned room with a black, hi-collar, puritan era dress on, Biel would still be hot but in TCM she took it to a whole new level. Not only was she sweaty for the entire film, not only was she in tight jeans that few could walk in much less escape a mass murderer, she also managed to keep her tank top tied in a knot showing off her perfect stomach.
No matter how bad the movie got, once Jessica showed up in that outfit you kind of hoped the movie wouldn’t end. I was also impressed that even with all of the action her character went through, the director was smart enough not to follow logic and have her tied up tank top come loose. It may not make any sense in the world of physics but in the world of hot-chicks-in-horror, it makes total sense.
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3. Pamela Susan Shoop - Halloween II (1981)
For all of us who were between 10and 15 when Halloween II came out, I ask you to remember the hot tub scene. Pamela Susan Shoop, playing Nurse Karen, decides to go for a skinny dip in a hot tub with her boyfriend.
Needless to say, Michael Myers comes along and screws it all up but until then we, as young boys, were hooked. First off all Shoop plays a sexy nurse, the key to any man’s heart. Then, when she’s getting into the hot tub, she reveals the most perfect set of breasts ever seen.
I think many of my peers have had ruined relationships mainly because no pair of breasts has ever matched up. It was sad to see her flesh melted from her lovely face as Michael held her under the boiling water, but we always have those spectacular breasts to remember.
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2. P.J. Soles - Halloween (1978)
The only other woman who can hold a candle to Pamela Susan Shoop in the breasts reveal department is PJ Soles from the original Halloween.
Her character Lynda was the first, full on, slasher slut, one of the ones that set the trend of promiscuity leading to horrific death at the hands of a masked killer. I always loved how Sole’s character’s entire set up was to find a place to sleep with her boyfriend, that was it.
She also didn’t just wear those 70s tight jeans, she brought it in them. Nobody rocked high platforms like her; Soles even made tripping over equipment look sexy. I’m pretty sure her scene with the boyfriend was one of the first times I saw sex happening on screen.
Right after that came the “see anything you like” scene and that was just cinematic gold to me. For years, I wished for a girl to say that to me when I came back into the room. Alas, it never happened.
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1. Asia Argento - Land of the Dead (2005)
The daughter of Dario Argento is not just horror royalty; she may be the hottest woman on the planet. From Trauma to the god-awful Land Of The Dead, nobody brightens up the halls of death and murder like Asia.
It’s really hard to describe how hot she is. I suppose if you got close enough to the sun, it would be kind of in the ballpark, but even then it wouldn’t the same. Some women are blessed with such physical beauty that they become anatomically crippling. You literally can’t look at them without being overcome by a great sadness that you will never hook up with that girl at all. Asia Argento inspires that kind of sadness because not only is she incredibly hot, but she also kicks ass as well.
Most girls in horror movies are only victims, but Asia can flip that on a dime and become the aggressor. I figure anybody I can forgive for being in XXX with Vin Diesel must have a lock on the hotness award.
