How to Start a Biker Gang

Photo: Nicholas J. Reid (Getty Images)

You know that feeling when you’re cruising around town in your beige Mini Cooper without a care in the world when, all of a sudden, some loud bikers appear out of nowhere, take up most of the road and start madly revving as if they were some ancient warriors? Don’t you hate it when that happens? Well, you could just sit there and wait till they decide to move on or you could fight back by making your own biker gang. How do you do that? It is much simpler than you might think. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you drive off into the sunset with style.

Gather a Crew

The first thing you’ll need to do on your quest to make the ultimate biker gang is, of course, to gather a crew. You’ll need an assortment of different people to comprise your gang, but where to find them? Well, basically everywhere. Call up your friends, one by one and test them out. In a way, it’s like a job interview. Who knows, maybe Barry from the Accounting is actually a wild soul waiting for the right opportunity to don a leather coat and roam the highways. Keep in mind that your crew should be as diverse as possible to help you out in various situations. For example, you’ll need a couple of big, frightening guys to step in when the going gets tough; you’ll need a slick talker to help you get out of troubles with the law; you’ll need a comic relief guy to tell jokes when you’re all resting; and most important of all, you’ll need a man to be the brains of the operation – so basically you.

Fortify Your Leadership

Of course, getting a crew together means nothing if you can’t keep them together as a true leader. Make sure they know who’s the boss from the start with a combination of thoughtful and frightening actions. For example, buy them all matching leather coats with a unique symbol attached on the back displaying your name (or even your face?). They’ll appreciate the gesture and will constantly be reminded of who’s in charge. Next, be sure to make frequent stops at bars and taverns so your crew can get their daily dose of beer and violence. Don’t be afraid to step in from time to time and smash a couple of unsuspecting heads yourself to show the crew you’ve still got it. Finally, be creative with your trip plans. No one likes to drive on the same old roads every day and frighten the same old pensioners. Mix it up a little. Ride around the country, visit other cities and start feuds with other gangs. Your crew will love it.

Cause Havoc

Let’s face it, one of the main reasons you even decided to form a biker gang is not to drive around carelessly and improve your friendships, but to cause havoc wherever you go. So, where do you start? You need to start small and make a name for your gang. Concentrate first on molesting unsuspecting drivers on the streets, as subtly as possible. One way to do it is to cluster around someone’s car and pretend like you don’t even know he’s there. Once he starts blowing the horn, you’ll have legitimate reasons to bash his car door and leave him in a cloud of high-octane smoke. After you perfect this skill, you can move on to late night rides and revving in front of people’s houses around midnight. Only when you feel confident you’ve mastered this form of harassment can you move on to “securing” rock gigs and fighting other gangs around the city. There’s nothing like a good old biker shootout to get your blood pumping again. Basically, if the name of your gang doesn’t make it to the front page in a couple of months, you might as well give up.

Now that you know all you need to know about the process of forming a biker gang, starting thinking of a badass name and leave it in the comment section if you want.