This Week’s 20 Funniest Tweets
Another week, another batch of hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2016
— ◢ M I K E D I V A ◣ (@mikediva) August 29, 2016
“Think about it…..who closes the door after the bus driver gets off?….. Crazy, right?…” pic.twitter.com/ym8PxIAvKg
— A. (@FreshAir_In) August 29, 2016
Ultimately the message of all self-help books is, “If you were a totally different person, you could have a different life.”
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) September 3, 2016
pass me the blunt so i can throw it away and call the cops
— irag war lo key thic (@HumanPog) September 3, 2016
MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN pic.twitter.com/RfrkI9qPa1
— saw ur tweet. u ok? (@KasaiREX) September 4, 2016
Everyone in Florida, please stay safe tonight. Not because of the hurricane. Just cuz you live in Florida
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 2, 2016
When your deadbeat dad picks you up for the weekend pic.twitter.com/9YA7AXvJI0
— Potna B (@MyPotnaB) August 28, 2016
all u kids starting school i hope u do well! good luck u deserve an A+. and if u dropped out that’s cool too hope ur music career works out
— spicyboy (@shawnwasabi) August 31, 2016
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
— Andy Sandford (@AndySandford) August 27, 2016
opinions are like assholes. there are special sites on the internet where you can see really messed up ones
— DougExeter (@DougExeter) August 30, 2016
Maybe Odell Beckham Jr had watched an episode of Girls and assumed Lena Dunham doesn’t talk to black people
— Petty Friedan (@jneslo) September 2, 2016
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) August 30, 2016
CBS really should have switched the tag lines for Kevin James new sitcom and the new MacGyver… pic.twitter.com/VEbbL2B6LK
— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) August 29, 2016
Rest in Peas https://t.co/qwl4TCTJNL
— Moe Alayan (@MoeAlayan) May 22, 2016
Emily Ratajowski is always alone by a pool.
— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) August 28, 2016
Still laughing at this terrible memorial for Gene Wilder pic.twitter.com/VYZaXgC307
— Amy Wood (@amy_wood) September 1, 2016
If Carly Rae Jepsen
& my man
and I can only save one
catch me at his funeral
listening to E•MO•TION
— jake (@HUNTYCHAN) August 30, 2016
What if Odell Beckham had engaged Lena Dunham in conversation? pic.twitter.com/XkuYc9jK8b
— Dave Septemberkowitz (@davelozo) September 2, 2016
I am witnessing the second coming of Jesus Christ at Dave and busters right now pic.twitter.com/5UNVYGIMhy
— Ryan Oakes (@ImRyanOakes) July 27, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.