30 Of The Funniest Women You Should Be Following On Twitter
There are so many funny people on Twitter, but it can be difficult to discover them in a jungle full of parody accounts and people still checking in on 4Square. To help you get the most out of your Twitter experience, here are 30 of the funniest ladies you should add to your timeline immediately. By no means are these the ONLY funny ones, but it’s a great place to start! Also these aren’t ranked in any way. They’re all wonderful.
1. Abby Cohenwl
Not only is Abby constantly hilarious, she also finds and retweets some of the best jokes you’ll see on Twitter. She’s a gem.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 23, 2015
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
2. Charlene deGuzman
Charlene has such a unique voice. She definitely won’t flood your timeline with countless tweets every day, but you’ll look forward to each and every thing she posts.
DATING TIP: If you fill up a backpack with hot bread and wear it to bed it feels like spooning
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 27, 2015
My friend texted me back “yeah” with a period at the end so I guess she agrees with me but also wants me to die
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) March 10, 2016
3. Amber Tozer
Amber can take just about anything and turn it into a hilarious joke. She’s one of those people that you can constantly rely on for solid jokes no matter what. She’s fantastic.
If I’m ever being chased by a giraffe I’m gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what’s best for me
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 15, 2012
Can’t believe how different booty calling and butt dialing are
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) July 12, 2014
4. Eden Dranger
Eden can do it all. She hits on pop culture, politics, random observations and everything else in between. She’s pretty much a necessity to your timeline.
There’s no uncreepy way to eat alone in your car.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 24, 2015
All I’m saying is that I’ve never seen Hulk Hogan’s pubes and Donald Trump’s hair in the same room.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 3, 2016
5. Jay Kay
She absolutely kills it on Twitter and has the ability to find so many funny tweets from people you’re probably not following. Not only is she a great source of original jokes, following her is a fantastic way to find other accounts you may have missed.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) March 10, 2013
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) July 20, 2015
6. Maura Quint
Maura is as smart as she is funny and incredibly nice on top of that. It’s a rare combination that’s so good, she should be a required follow when creating an account.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 2, 2015
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 22, 2014
7. Karen Kilgariff
Karen has done it all and is constantly writing for television and performing onstage, yet still finds time to tweet hilarious jokes on a near constant basis. She does jokes, and she does them well.
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 23, 2014
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 28, 2015
8. Albertina Rizzo
Not only does she write the jokes your friends quote from the Internet, she writes the jokes your friends quote from late night television, as well. She’s one of the best.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
— albertina rizzo (@albz) July 27, 2012
There’s no place like home. Unless you’re a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.
— albertina rizzo (@albz) August 23, 2011
9. Aparna Nancherla
No one is better at making the simple more hilarious than Aparna. The only thing better than reading her tweets is watching her perform live. If she’s doing a show near you, do yourself a favor and check it out.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 15, 2015
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 13, 2012
10. Audrey Farnsworth
It’s honestly not fair to see how funny Audrey is. Not only will you want to follow her, you’ll want to turn on her notifications so there’s not a chance you’ll miss a single one of her tweets. She’s the top one percent of funny.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 15, 2015
11. Gloria Fallon
Very few people can take the ordinary and spin it into something absolutely hilarious as well as Gloria. She tweets all the things that you wished you had thought of first.
I’ll bet Shaq never signs things “Love, Shaq” because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him.
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) November 7, 2013
So much of being an adult is just not clicking the “Send” button
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) February 4, 2016
12. Lana Berry
If you have any interest in sports whatsoever and you’re not following Lana, you’re doing the Internet incorrectly. She makes watching sports better and provides all the breaking news in a way much more entertaining than following a bunch of sports news accounts.
if you bring a broom to a game and it ends up not being a sweep you should be required to help clean the stadium
— Lana Berry (@Lana) October 6, 2014
seriously this is my favorite thing ever https://t.co/375gmIDiX6
— Lana Berry (@Lana) November 2, 2015
She makes the kind of jokes that you don’t just laugh at, you copy the link to the tweet and send it to 20 of your friends because you can’t be the only one laughing like this in public.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) May 7, 2014
They hid Wonka bars literally all over the world but the only people who found them were white people who spoke English.
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 19, 2012
14. Megan Amram
Megan was one of the first must-follow comedy accounts on Twitter and, not only has she not burned out, she gets better every day. If not following isn’t illegal, then it probably should be.
By the time he was my age, Lee Harvey Oswald had already shot a PRESIDENT. i haven’t even shot a normal person
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 14, 2015
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 4, 2015
I have never not been excited to see her name pop up in my timeline. She’s quick-witted, sharp and can take a subject you never expected and spin it into something hilarious.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
— rats in paradise (@NicCageMatch) March 31, 2014
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
— rats in paradise (@NicCageMatch) February 19, 2016
16. Tamara Yajia
Following her is more like an experience. She does things unlike anyone else and will make you rethink the way jokes can be told. She’ll make you better at jokes.
At this very moment, all the Sesame Street characters are extremely still and lifeless with their eyes wide open
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 11, 2016
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 18, 2015
There really isn’t a topic that she can’t make hilarious and there also really isn’t a topic that she can’t relate to “Game of Thrones” or “Frozen.” It’s like an art form.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
And the rib?
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 2, 2014
18. Chelsea Lockwood
Chelsea is so funny that it’s hard to imagine what my timeline was like before following her. If she ever decides to stop tweeting, they should fly all the flags at half-mast.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) July 29, 2013
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom. pic.twitter.com/IOo89Vypy7
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 16, 2014
Not only is she consistently funny, she also constantly innovates the medium by creating movie scenes using emojis and words in her tweets. You honestly just have to see it for yourself and thank me later.
The fact that we know chameleons exist means they are worthless idiot failures
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 19, 2014
[at nice restaurant] I’d like a table near your finest electrical outlet
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) October 28, 2014
Just go read through her tweets. No pitch is necessary because as soon as you start scrolling through her timeline, you’ll get what all the fuss is about. She is just about as funny as they get.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 5, 2014
Why call it a belly button. It doesn’t DO anything when you press it.
*click click click*
*neighbor’s garage door slamming up and down*
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) November 3, 2014
21. Moody Monday
I’m not being the least bit dramatic when I saw that she’s probably in my top three favorite accounts on all of Twitter. The only possible complaint I could have is that she doesn’t tweet nearly enough. I check her timeline like she’s giving away golden tickets to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we’re together now.
— moody monday (@mdob11) September 10, 2013
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015
She was one of the first people I followed on Twitter and, if you’re just now looking for the best people to follow, here’s where to start. She’s one of the all-time greats.
what happens in aisle 15, stays in aisle 15 pic.twitter.com/Oy2RDCLwJT
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) July 25, 2015
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) November 20, 2014
23. Stephanie McMaster
No one is better at finding the hilarity in being a parent than Stephanie. She says the things you never realized you always thought. It’s crazy to think that there are people who haven’t followed her yet.
I wish there were a Scared Straight for cats and my cat could go to a shelter and hear how good she has it from cats who’ve seen some shit.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) March 22, 2015
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 23, 2012
24. Liz Hackett
Liz should be a staple of your Twitter experience and slips in there almost every day with an absolutely amazing joke. It’s crazy to think that one person could be as talented as she is.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 30, 2015
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 16, 2014
25. Eireann Dolan
Eireann has one of the most brilliant voices I’ve ever had the pleasure of encountering. You won’t find a better account to follow on Twitter than hers. She’s the best of the best.
I’m not the most outgoing at a party but I’m great at smirking at my phone’s weather app pretending I’m getting funny texts from friends
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) November 16, 2012
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero who struggled with basic literacy.
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) December 12, 2011
I don’t know how I started following her, but thank goodness I did, because she isn’t one of those people that might put out a decent joke every once in a while. She’s putting out top-notch stuff on such a consistent basis you’ll question if she’s actually some sort of joke writing robot. I’m fairly certain she’s not, but you can’t be too sure.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2014
Top Movies Your Boyfriend Wants to Watch:
-An Idiot Saves the President
-Rich Boy Hero 4
-Silent Hero Journey Boy
-Fight Fight Fight
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) March 23, 2015
27. Eliza Bayne
There’s a reason you see her jokes everywhere and that’s because she’s one of the best joke writers out there today. Seriously, her stuff is on TV, the Internet, in magazines and pretty much anywhere that a good joke could live. Save yourself the searching and just follow her brilliant account.
There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 6, 2013
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) August 2, 2013
28. Dani Fernandez
Not only is she one of the funniest people on the Internet, she’s also one of the nicest. You’ll measure your time on Twitter as “before following Dani” and “after following Dani.”
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) January 6, 2015
Executioner: any last words Ashley?
Girl: its actually Ashleigh
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) February 24, 2015
Trust me, she’ll become one of your favorite follows within days of adding her to your timeline. She’s laugh out loud funny with a comedic voice that gets better with every post.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 7, 2014
Breakfast: 3 eggs, toast with avocado
Dinner: 89 pizza rolls, 9 bowls of cereal, 4 thanksgiving dinners, 1 newborn baby
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 1, 2015
30. Mary Kobayashi
Instead of just posting jokes, Mary live tweets life, but in a way that’s so entertaining and funny, you’ll be upset she isn’t your actual friend. Even if I didn’t have an account, I would still bookmark Mary’s page to keep up with it because it’s simply fantastic.
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) December 6, 2013
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) March 12, 2012
Related: The 100 Funniest Tweets Of 2015