The 40 Funniest Christmas Tweets Ever
If you think it’s the most wonderful time of the year right now, then just wait until you read these hilarious tweets. These are 40 of the funniest Christmas observations of all time and a great way to distract yourself while you hide out in the bathroom of your parent’s house while everyone is arguing in the living room. Happy Holidays!
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) December 1, 2015
On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love said to me, “I think I might be a hoarder.”
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) December 18, 2012
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
Scary that at any moment, I could be sharing the road with drivers who look safe, but in reality, are willingly listening to Christmas music
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) November 26, 2013
8 maids a milking is probably the only day of Christmas I can jack off to
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) December 11, 2013
Made this so when my boss shouts at me through his office door, it’s more festive. pic.twitter.com/dUWXApphY2
— Lloyd Botters (@MrLloydSpandex) December 18, 2014
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.” Later… “All I want for Christmas is you.” EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
— Sacha Fernando (@sacha_is_good) December 14, 2014
all I want for christmas is vast material wealth, overwhelming physical appeal, and the adoration of those whose work I envy. that’s all
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 15, 2014
Multi-colored lights are the Crocs of Christmas.
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) December 3, 2015
Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) December 3, 2015
Bush: Christmas is time for family Rubio: I keep Christ in Christmas Carson: Some toilets are decoys the government uses to collect your pee
— B (@SortaBad) December 1, 2015
I’m arranging all your Christmas Cards by number of years your marriage has left based on how forced the smiles are in your family photo.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 22, 2014
Thought about getting a Christmas tree but decided reading old love letters from exes would be cheaper way to trigger nostalgic depression.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) December 14, 2014
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 10, 2015
[Christmas 12:15am] Mrs. Claus: Shouldn’t you have left by now? Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015
mr. president, all the mall Santas are dead. the war on christmas is over. *obama pulls a warm bottle of champagne from his desk*
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 26, 2014
Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011
Christmas break is like going to visit your Facebook feed in person.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) December 23, 2014
mery christmas! i got u a gift “oh wow im sory i didnt get u anything” yes u did!! the feeling of moral superiority. this will last all year
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) December 14, 2014
Nothing like opening Christmas gifts to remind you that the people you’re closest to in the world know absolutely nothing about you.
— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 22, 2014
My son was at the front lines fighting the war on Christmas 2012-2014. He was stationed in Starbucks. Pumpkin Spice infantry.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 2, 2015
Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) December 11, 2014
“Um wow okay” -all of Santa’s other reindeer
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
hmm y’all willin to let a fat man break into your house to drink your milk on christmas but i do it in september and i’m “a nuisance” damn
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) December 2, 2014
Why doesn’t that toenail fungus character have a TV Christmas special or do the networks not like ratings?
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) December 16, 2015
The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 13, 2014
Make my wish come true. All I want for Christmas is you(r HBO GO password).
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) December 12, 2014
ME AT 8 YEARS OLD: can i put the star on the christmas tree MOM: yup DAD: [thinks this means hes no longer the man of the house] bullshit
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 13, 2015
Please don’t underestimate how much we suck, we turned “Merry Christmas” into a point of political controversy
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 5, 2015
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012
Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) March 29, 2015
My mom already asked me to make a Christmas list so I did pic.twitter.com/D8wSnTflst
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) November 4, 2014
[proposes to girlfriend on Christmas Day] SANTA: Way to make today all about you. Wow. Just, wow
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) November 12, 2015
Hey boy are you Christmas cause you always come too soon and you make me really depressed.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 7, 2015
i say merry christmas when handing coffee to customers at starbucks, i dont give a fuck, i dont i dont even work there. they called the cops
— a bird (@i_eat_fruit) December 8, 2015
Ugh. I hate leftovers. At this rate I’m going to be eating Christmas tree sandwiches for weeks.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) December 25, 2013
I’ll Be Home for Christmas / if only in my dreams. That’s beautiful Grandma, but seriously I need a head count ASAP. You coming or not?
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) December 16, 2014
Christmas is ruined pic.twitter.com/IxJFki1Dhh
— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) December 15, 2014
put christ back in christmas and put the god damn southwest chicken melt back on the $5 footlong menu
— everett byram (@rad_milk) December 8, 2014
On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me…more damn birds? Honey, we have hens, partridges…the living room is covered in shit
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 25, 2013