The 10 Most Redneck Things That Ever Happened
Rednecks are an underrated segment of our society. When they’re not fixing your sink or welding something, they’re providing the world with a lifetime of entertainment. The following stories represent the best and worse of redneck culture. Judge if you will, but please remember that they’re curing your boredom, one retarded antic at a time.
1. Two Truckers Help Woman Give Birth in Denny’s
When Kaycee Triana’s water broke inside a Texarkana Denny’s, two oily truckers jumped to the rescue. They helped her delivery the baby, possibly yelling “Get ‘r’ done!” in the process, until she pushed out a future Republican. Upping the redneck factor was the fact that it was Thanksgiving…and they were at Denny’s.
2. Florida Man Butt-Dials 911 and Speaks of Cooking and Selling Meth
In October of 2014, the local cops of Deltona received a 911 call. No one talked. The operator listened for a half an hour to a mother and a son talking about their plans to cook and sell meth. The operator also heard the sound of bubbling in the background. Cops arrived and raided the home, finding the complete accoutrement of meth-making materials. Donna Knope and her son Jason, along with some other random guy, were arrested for manufacturing narcotics.
3. Brother and Sister Arrested for Stealing Meth Ingredients and Kiss Between Jail Cell Bars
In a mind-blogging sequence of hillbilly events, two siblings were charged with shoplifting at a Texas Walmart. They were placed in adjoining jail cells where officers … ahem … witnessed them kissing between the bars.
Let me just say, in my life, I’ve never heard such a story so eloquently reaffirm every bad stereotype of rednecks.
4. Man Gets Arrested for Having Sex with His Donkey and Claims It’s His Constitutional Right To Do So
Carlos Romero was caught with his pants down (literally) behind his miniature donkey, Doodle. He quickly backed away. But it was too late; officers arrived to the scene and arrested him.
“But that ain’t American,” he asserted. Romero took it to trial and challenged Florida’s anti-bestiality law, arguing that it “deprives him of his personal liberty and autonomy when it comes to private intimate activities.”
It’s one thing to have sex with farm animals, but it’s another to go totally freedom on everybody’s ass and claim it’s unpatriotic to frown upon it. And that’s what America’s all about. God bless you, Carlos.
5. Man Tries to Use $1 Million Bill to Pay for $476 Total at Walmart
When he walked to the counter to pay for his items, he whipped out his $1 million bill. Michael Anthony Fuller insisted the bill was legitimate, but everyone called bull. Police arrested him on charges to “obtain property by false pretense and uttering a forged instrument.”
6. Man Arrested for Eating Raccoons and Squirrels in New Jersey
Authorities arrested a 30-year-old man in 2014 for trapping and eating squirrels and raccoons. Neighbors said they found carcasses on the premises. Aleksandr Borykan was arrested for illegal use of a leg hold trap and hunting without a license. Russians can be rednecks too, apparently.
7. Vermont Farmer Flattens Seven Cop Cars with Tractor
In 2012, Roger Pion was a bit angry. So he took his father’s tractor and went to the local police station and ran over seven police cars.
Cops estimated the damage to be more than $250,000. When they went outside to investigate, Pion was already long gone down the highway. And they had nothing to pursue him with. Last year the trial concluded and they declared Pion absolutely, unequivocally batshit insane and dropped the charges.
8. Twins Marry Unknowingly
In 2008, the world learned of two twins marrying each other. They were separated at birth and adopted by different families, so they had no idea. When they learned of the truth, the British high court granted them an annulment and they dissolved their union. Hey, Brits can be rednecks, too.
9. Redneck Engineering
Behold the wonderful world of redneck engineering. They’re crafty bastards, those rednecks, and some of these genius creations make you wonder why they’re so consistently stereotyped as dumb. Remember, if you ever need an ultra-efficient lawnmower or a makeshift spa, call a redneck.
10. Woman Sews Baby to Wedding Dress, Walks Down Aisle
This story from 2014 proved that white people aren’t the only ones who can be rednecks. In the photo you see a mother tugging her newborn along the back of her dress during her wedding. Kudos, Mom. That’s redneck engineering at its finest.