Our Absolute Favorite Tweets of 2013
As the year comes to an end, one thing is for sure: there were a lot of tweets. I assume you didn’t get a chance to read them all, so to save you some time we put together our favorite tweets of the year in no particular order. I’m sure there are lots of other funny ones out there that we may have missed, but following all of these delightful people would be a great way to start 2014. Enjoy!
Follow @robfee on Twitter
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
– chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
– Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) August 20, 2013
You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.
– Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 25, 2013
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
– john freiler (@johnfreiler) June 28, 2013
We'd be in a lot better shape as a society if the act of turning a ball cap around sterilized you.
– Kevin Seccia (@kevinseccia) September 3, 2013
“Um.” – 1st horse that got ridden
– Rordolph (@RorynotRoy) June 23, 2013
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
– Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 17, 2013
Talk to your kids about drugs. Talk to your stepdads about jazz. Like, just generally be polite and ask people about their interests.
– Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) June 24, 2013
The 80's called they want your hair back HAHAHA jk it was the police your wife has been in a terrible car accident
– Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) March 24, 2013
If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.
– Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) February 27, 2013
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won't find them.
– Eli Terry (@EliTerry) July 29, 2013
Maybe I'm driving the wrong way down a supermarket parking lot for charity, asshole.
– L.B. Johnson (@ladybirdj) January 12, 2013
Sorry when u called I was busy holding my phone in my hand and staring at it without blinking
– Merry Cocoa (@MaryKoCo) December 6, 2013
I don't watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
– Marie Colette (@MarieColette) June 8, 2013
Romance: During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there's an engagement ring on it
– blake (@Leemanish) October 15, 2013
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.” ”Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
– Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 13, 2013
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
– Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 20, 2013
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Then he hides real quick so Ricky Gervais won't see him.
– Eli Braden (@EliBraden) September 7, 2013
I'm sorry, is your name Jaden Smith? No? Then don't tell me how to live my life.
– Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 16, 2013
If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone
– Josh Hara (@yoyoha) May 27, 2013
i ask my dates the important questions upfront like “are you cool with a harry potter themed wedding”
– lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) November 5, 2013
Whenever I hear sirens I like to imagine the driver just realized he is in love.
– Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) February 16, 2013
RT @AaronSorkin After much trepidation, I’ve decided to join Twitter. What piques my curiosity is the economy of language required to (1/57)
– Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 17, 2013
They should make a sleep therapy CD that’s nothing but Morgan Freeman and Maya Angelou talking about a mutual friend that had passed away.
– Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) January 4, 2013
I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts “Batman” when he's drunk. I know I do.
– MJ (@sucittaM) January 14, 2013
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don't like them
– AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) September 17, 2013
LOOK AT ME, I'M AN ASSHOLE! - people backing into parking spots
– molly (@Molly_Kats) November 30, 2013
This spinach dip says 'best before 9/11' and i'm like wasn't everything?
– jon (@senderblock23) September 5, 2013
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood 2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures 3. Get all the cats
– Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) March 22, 2013
Ayn Rand's favorite stuffed animal growing up was an eight foot beam of steel.
– dan guterman (@danguterman) February 14, 2013
“dave navarro has beautiful hair & does not look like a lesbian magician” – dave navarro
– julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 25, 2013
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it's not.
– Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) August 21, 2013
Yo momma so fat it was very difficult for me to ejaculate when I had sex with her. But I did, and that's all that matters. Love you son.
– Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) April 24, 2013
Which Mumford is the dad?
– rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 7, 2013
He works at a startup. She opened her own gluten free dog treat shop in park slope. Their six hour long proposal video will melt your heart
– Michael Hale (@dogboner) October 13, 2013
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
– Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) August 5, 2013
As a kid on summer nights I'd capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
– Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) July 19, 2013
Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
– Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 7, 2013
Daaaamn girl is your name Katrina because my lower 9th just flooded
– Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) February 7, 2013
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
– Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) October 21, 2013
getting fake boobs is like sewing a panda to your head, everyone loves pandas but dude wtf
– Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) December 28, 2012
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
– Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) June 23, 2013
I hate Joel Schumacher's cartoonish Batman. I much prefer Nolan's gritty, realistic take on a rich guy in a bat costume beating up a clown.
– stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 25, 2013
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You're both now.
– Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) May 18, 2013
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DON’T SING THE CHORUS YOU’LL MAKE IT WORSE
– Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
– Mindy Lou Who (@MindyFurano) May 22, 2013
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
– deg (@degg) October 13, 2013
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
– Aaron Burdette (@AaronBurdette) January 11, 2013
every time someone posts engagement photos on facebook i can't help but hope that maybe some day i too will own a nice shirt
– rob whisman (@robwhisman) April 28, 2013
If I ever say the words “my fantasy football team” just know it is code for “I've been kidnapped please help me.”
– Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) August 29, 2013
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. ”Sir, those are Band-Aids.” Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
– Big Money Rowlf (@iRowlf) April 4, 2013
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
– Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 27, 2013
i do not like green eggs&ham i do not like them http://t.co/XEHrSwkmsS woud u eat them in my trunk woud u eat them off my hump myhump my hu
– jomny sun (@jonnysun) May 31, 2013
these chicks at the park aren't into u bros they just wanna pet ur dog. i,ll explain more later when i done crawlin around in dog costume
– Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) February 22, 2013
Date Idea: 1. Wait for woman to enter revolving door. 2. Push against it so she's stuck inside. 3. Ask about her hobbies!
– Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) February 16, 2013
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
– Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) March 23, 2013
“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?” ”Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* ”Hey kid…catch” *kid turns around to see incoming plane*
– Horton Ahoho (@crushingbort) February 4, 2013
Probably the hardest move in ultimate frisbee is getting a job.
– dan guterman (@danguterman) March 31, 2013
Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.
– Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013
Um, is this the koi? Are u the koi? RT @AARONCARTER Aaron dropped his phone in the koi pond at KOI y'day. He'll connect w/ u guys again soon
– Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 9, 2013
How to make a list without Spin Doctors references: 1. 2. princes kneel before you Shit I did it again I'm so bad at this why do I even try
– Ace… Ace? (@AceMakesWords) April 12, 2013
I wish Full House had the same ending as The Prestige.
– Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) May 21, 2013
Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.
– Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013
im watching pawn stars the show where the fat men are eachothers dads
– rad milk (@rad_milk) May 31, 2013
replace your spine with rollerblade wheels so when some jerk pushes you over you can roll away and laugh at all the haters
– (@motion) May 1, 2013
My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.
– Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 30, 2013
Lately my wife has been doing this annoying thing where she's not the brunette in the “Blurred Lines” video.
– Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) August 7, 2013
I feel bad for people born on 9/11, because then instead of a birthday gift and a 9/11 gift, you only get one.
– Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) August 14, 2013
One of the coolest tricks you can do with a yo-yo is hang yourself
– Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 17, 2013
Man, Garfield had the right idea. Sleep in a box, lasagna, hate Mondays & spiders, constantly nude, teddy bear, no genitals or anus, orange,
– vladchoc (@vladchoc) August 20, 2013
BARELY LEGAL LESBIANS XXX (90min): watch as two thirty-year-old women exchange their wedding vows just inside the Vermont state border
– electro lemon (@electrolemon) August 21, 2013
What's that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
– Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 28, 2013
Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.
– Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 30, 2013
You know what else is gluten-free at this party Kayla? The door.
– Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) May 25, 2013
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?” ”yup, I'm all set. Thanks Officer”
– Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) January 29, 2013
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: “Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?”
– Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) September 6, 2013
*half asleep* HEY REMEMBER BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER WHEN THE A/C KILLS HIMSELF ”Not now, brain-“ HAHA ME TOO. HERE'S SOME MORE CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS
– Alli Reed (@alliperson) June 18, 2013
it's weird that Mario still plays golf and rides go-karts with the guy who violently kidnapped his girlfriend numerous times.
– lawblob (@lawblob) October 19, 2013
Now before i serve dessert I must warn you . My nephew Horny Ricky put a single shred of pulled pork in the key lime pie so be careful
– dwayne (@collatingbones) September 25, 2013
Batman: QUICK how much do you weigh Me: Uh, 112, I think *Batman shoots grappling gun* *Rope snaps & we both die*
– Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) November 1, 2013
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
– Holidayteam15 (@greenteam15) November 21, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
– Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.
– Adam Hess (@adamhess1) January 2, 2013
[Wu-Tang Pot Luck] ”All I brought was the ruckus” ”Yea, me too.” ”Did anyone not bring the ruckus?” *silence*
– sadvent (@crylenol) April 24, 2013
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
– Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) January 26, 2013
Obama feeding his daughter ”Open up, here comes the drone” *spoon flying through the air by itself, dumps food on the dog instead*
– michael (@michaeljhudson) June 26, 2013
If you cut your pizza up into small pieces you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.
– Gavin (@gavinpivott) January 7, 2013
son, ur 2 now – old enuff for the talk. see, sex is a lot like a ocean – im drownin in it. lol now put ur hand up this is called a high five
– TORMNIABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) July 11, 2013
12013 B.C.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing 2013 A.D.: You might run into cougars while out clubbing
– Earthman Adam (@AdamOfEarth) June 4, 2013
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
– tony logan (@tnylgn) October 7, 2013
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
– Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013
Sorry I yelled “SPOILER ALERT!” when you told us grandma had six months to live 🙁
– Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) August 23, 2013
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
– Sean (@asimplesean) September 1, 2013
*ding* This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
– Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) July 6, 2013
Hello Acme? Me again. I'm gonna need a rocket and some roller skates. Yeah & a sign with the word yikes on it. No I still haven't caught him
– chill.i.am (@BigE_Smooth) May 20, 2013
It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.
– Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) June 21, 2013
If Banksy was a dog, he would be called Barksy.
– Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) November 30, 2013