Jim Bob And Michelle Are Stunned

“Let mommy and daddy show you how God says you make the sex.”

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are reportedly clutching their five loaves of bread and two fish in disbelief that their firstborn, Josh Duggar,  they let go on molestafest for years then covered it up would be addicted to porn and cheat on his wife because they didn’t let him watch the box that Satan live in, so how could he know what sex is?

“This wasn’t something they ever imagined was possible,” says the source. “They so strictly limit their exposure to these sorts of outside influences – from websites to even the sort of television they watch, if they turn on the TV at all – that they were absolutely baffled by how this could have been possible.”

Josh Duggar said he molested his sisters when he was 15 and that now he’s addicted to porn, but Jim Bob showed Michelle how to use the mouse so she could edit that part out, because when you have an interview with Megyn Kelly and say Josh was only 12, it’s important to keep your stories straight. But to tell you the truth, I’m pretty shocked myself? How could someone who was taught that Jesus would kill a bald eagle if Jesus saw him stroking it ever become a pervert? How could a boy who grew up in a place where every woman he saw was only alive to spread her legs whenever her master commanded her to (when she wasn’t making casseroles) and not want to join in on God’s plan? How could a man who was inculcated to repress his natural need for pussy because he was afraid to burn in hell not become a depraved, sexual predator? This isn’t holy or moral, this is Thomas Harris shit. Cavemen didn’t have R-rated movies or YouPorn, but as I recall, they did a lot of fucking. Why? Because fucking is great. That should be a sex ed class. “Hey, fucking is great. I really can’t overstate that. You’ll find that out pretty soon. But sometimes, it can’t be so great, so be careful and always use protection, because sometimes fucking can cause disease and pregnancy. Here’s a picture of someone with AIDS. Here’s a how much a child costs for 18 years. Any of those sound fun? No? Then use protection. Also, forcing someone to fuck you and making someone feel like they should fuck you so they won’t be lame, is also very bad. Don’t do that. Sex is probably the most fun humans can have, so let’s not ruin that. If you have any questions, or if you hear your friends say something you don’t understand, feel free to ask us or your parents, because misinformation can be just as dangerous as none. You’ll find a bowl of condoms on your way out, because we as reasonable adults know you’ll fuck regardless even if sex could cause your hands to become claws, because like I said, fucking is great.